


Kiss and Not Tell

by Plaidsoulseller



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU: High School, Angst, Bullied Cas, Bullied Castiel, Castiel & Meg Masters Friendship, Child Abuse, Crowley is a dick, Cutter castiel, Depressed Castiel, Drinking, Drug Use, Fights, First Time, High School, Homeless Castiel, Homelessness, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Love, M/M, Name Calling, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Underage Drug Use, meg is awesome, zachariah is a bigger dick
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-03-23 13:07:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 41,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3769636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plaidsoulseller/pseuds/Plaidsoulseller
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel has been sad for a long time. His parents are gone, and his uncle is cruel and unforgiving. Especially for sinners like Castiel. He spirals. First just marking himself but then with trying to alter his mind with whatever he can. Anything for an escape.</p><p>Dean is popular, the all american teenaged boy. People are drawn to his charisma and he's got the hottest girl in school. Until he doesn't. And as he learns more about Castiel, the more he discovers that they're not so different after all.</p><p>(Or: Dean is popular, Cas is looking to self destruct, and they save each other)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's a Long Road Up to Recovery

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first long-fic. I've got a lot of ideas and in my head they seem great but on the page maybe not so much so bear with me. This fic will be over 15,000 words (I've already written that much) and I'll try to post at least every other Tuesday. I'm unbeta'd so sorry about any grammatical errors. 
> 
> Please mind the trigger warnings. I'll add more as I continue to write. Also, the underage one only applies in certain areas, where I'm from it's not statutory, but I'm not sure of other laws in other places.

It had been an hour since he was triaged and his wounds were tended to. They weren't so deep this time, mostly just idle, superficial scratches. The nurse had been kind, offering him a sympathetic look, but nothing that would constitute unprofessionalism.

He sat in his chair and slouched in the large waiting room. His 3/4 length sleeves couldn't completely hide the bandages, but this was a mental ward. He didn't think he really needed to. Castiel shifted around nervously.

It was no comfort to be with his brother. Michael sat rigid in the chair. His expression hard and his brow furrowed. Castiel knew there was nothing he could say. Nothing to make this better. Perhaps it wasn't Michael's fault, at least not entirely, but everything had gotten to him recently. He had been getting better. He had been improving and wanting to hurt himself less. There was no one thing that he could pinpoint. No direct cause of his agony. Just a bunch of tiny little insignificant random things that formed to become huge. Those things made it hurt, made everything hurt. Getting out of bed was a challenge, when he could sleep at all. He didn't want to end up stating at these bleak hospital walls for the rest of his life, though. "How long do you think it'll be now?" Michael asked, looking at the clock on the wall.

"I have no idea. It's not like I've done this before." Castiel replied. They sat in silence for another 10 minutes. He had lost himself in a daydream when he saw the two boys, one about his age and the other a few years younger, check in at the nurses station. He recognized them both from school. Castiel knew Dean Winchester. Well, everyone knew Dean Winchester. He was a star athlete, basketball in the winter and football in the fall. He had even done track in the spring a few years. He was a senior, he was Mr.Popularity, and he was dating the hottest girl in the school. He had everything.

Castiel was momentarily worried that he might get shoved or punched, as it happened to him often enough, before he remembered where he was. The hospital. He was in the waiting room to the mental ward of the hospital. The fear died down to simmer inside him, when he noticed the younger boy's state. He was shaking slightly. A far-off look in his eyes. He looked like he was possessed. Castiel knew Sam. Sam had always been kind to his other brothers, specifically Gabriel, who was in Sam's grade. Castiel had gone to pick Sam and Gabriel and their girlfriends, Jess and Sarah, at the movies a few times. Castiel wondered what he might be doing here. "Earth to Castiel." Michael was saying and waving his hand in front of Castiel's face.

"Hmmm?" Castiel snapped out of his thoughts and focused on Michael.

"Have you got any homework or anything? I don't want you flunking out your junior year."

"I don't have my assignments on me, no. And I really can't even begin to think about the work I'll miss if I have to stay here... It's... Overwhelming." Michael nodded but the stern look on his face made Castiel feel worse. It wasn't his fault he didn't understand. Another few minutes passed and Sam was taken to triage where his blood pressure, heart rate, and weight would be documented. As well as whatever other information they needed. It only took a few minutes after that for Dean to emerge without Sam.

He slumped into the waiting room chair and must've shot off a few text messages. He looked at the ceiling and when his gaze came back down, Castiel's caught his eye. He stared for a moment and then the realization of who Castiel was dawned on him. He nodded politely and picked up an old magazine and began to read.

Another half hour passed. Castiel was getting hungry. There was a vending machine in the hallway by the waiting room. Castiel's stomach growled and he had to hold his sides so that no one would hear. It had grown eerily quiet. "Michael," Castiel asked, "could I go get a snack from the vending machine?"

Michael shook his head."No. Unless they have granola, no."

"They might have fig newtons."

"That is garbage and you know it."

"I'm so hungry. I haven't eaten since school yesterday."

"Just don't think about it. Maybe you should pray."

"I'll pray for a Fig Newton." Castiel mumbled.

"Castiel!" Michael chastised, "I don't want to hear that again from you."

"Yes brother." Instead, Castiel resigned himself to another 20 minutes of staring at his hands. He did, eventually, realize that he had his new mini sketch book and a pen in his pocket. He was in art III, and his teacher made him think about everything he did. She would tell him over and over "no cliches!" And that "art is a skill, not a talent." He had always considered himself fairly talented, and when he voiced that to her she smiled sweetly and explained, "Curiosity gets you started, passion drives you to continue, and skill makes you great. The three combined are what we mistake for talent." He liked to think that he could develop his skill further. He thumbed through the pages. He had drawn some large clovers in colored pencil, a dandelion, and a bumblebee. He utilized as much of the paper as he could, for it being so small. It was a fascinating challenge to blow up small things on a small piece of paper. He found a blank page after staring at the bumblebee for a while.

"I see a boy I know from school," Castiel told Michael, "I'm going to go talk to him."

"Who?" Michael looked around "Oh. Dean?"

"Yes."

"Why would he talk to you?"

"I'm leaving now." Michael hadn't meant it to be rude, but it was true. Dean probably didn't want to speak with Castiel. No one did. He hardly had any friends, save Meg Masters, who he smoked with sometimes. Even so, it wasn't like he could imagine her caring that he ended up here. "Hello, Dean." Castiel greeted, almost unaware of the fact that he had walked over. "Would you like to play the line game?"

Dean looked up from where he was sitting. "Oh, uh, sure. It's, uh, Castiel, right?"

"Yes," Castiel nodded. He sat down next to Dean and began to draw a fluid line, then handed the pen to Dean to continue. Dean drew a line connecting and parallel to Castiel's. Castiel curved the line upwards and before they knew it, the page was filled with penis and boob drawings. Castiel had tried to draw other things, but Dean had started laughing hysterically when Castiel flushed after the first one, so he kept doing it. Eventually Castiel ripped the page out of the sketchbook and ripped it up. Dean was still chuckling. "So are you waiting for one of your brothers, too?" Dean asked, the smile wasn't gone from his face.

"Oh, um," Castiel wasn't sure why, but he thought Dean just knew, "No. I'm waiting to be seen." He looked down at the bandages on his arms, and Dean's eyes trailed down as well.

"I'm sorry." Dean said softly, clearly embarrassed. "Why?" He asked suddenly, catching Castiel off guard. "I mean, if you don't want to tell me that's cool too. But I figure you know about Sam. I'm just... You know. Curious."

Castiel did know about Sam. He knew that the boy was suffering from PTSD after watching his girlfriend, Jessica, die in an awful fire. Sam was injured for most of the summer, too. Burns all down his torso. He spent the last month of school in the ICU. It was a miracle he was able to stay caught up with school, especially since he had skipped a grade. "I don't know what to tell you," Castiel replied more casually than he had anticipated, "maybe because I come from a 'broken' home. Or maybe because everyone at school calls me 'fag-stiel' and shove me into lockers. Maybe just because I'm weird." He said in an easy way. As if talking about why he didn't do his homework or wash his hair. He said it with a shrug and an accepting expression. Dean's expression hardened.

"I'm sorry." Dean looked like he might reach over and hug Castiel. But then he spoke again, "For whatever it's worth, I've told the guys on the team to lay off you. They've got better things to do than pick on you. B'sides, I don't know where the 'fag-stiel' thing came from, but I know the guys have seen you with your girlfriend before."

"What?" Castiel barely hung around anyone. Let alone who might be mistaken for his girlfriend.

"What?"

"They call me that name because I was caught kissing a boy last year. I don't have a girlfriend."

"You kissed a boy?" Dean's eyebrows were raised, but they furrowed in concentration, "I thought Meg Masters was your girlfriend. You're always around her and she kisses you."

"I actively kiss boys, Dean. I am gay. Just, not so loud," Castiel had lowered his voice, "Michael doesn't know and my family is incredibly homophobic. Meg kisses me on the cheek sometimes. But I think it's to scare off bullies. No one wants to mess with Meg. If I'm with her, I'm safe."

"You're gay?" Dean asked in a hushed tone. "I had no idea..." Castiel tilted his head to the side and furrowed his brow. Surely he knew about Balthazar. It was the talk of the school for weeks. Castiel barely convinced his siblings, Lucifer, Anna, and Gabriel that it was just a rumor and nothing more. Then it hit Castiel. Dean must be messing with him.

"Well now that I've confirmed it I suppose you'll bring that information to your teammates." Castiel said frowning.

"I don't really think it's any of their business, Cas." Dean said casually.

The frown on Castiel's face did not disappear, "Azazel would probably kill for that information against me."

"It's not mine to give. Your secret is safe with me." A nurse called over just then, "Dean Winchester, Sam is asking for you."

"Sorry, man," he said, "I gotta go. Feel better. I'll see you at school."

"I hope so." Castiel gave a half-smile. It was nine hours and 2 am before Castiel was seen. They asked him if he was trying to kill himself. He said it wasn't on his immediate to-do list, but it would be okay with him if it just kind of happened. They asked if he was going to hurt himself again, he sarcastically responded probably. He was admitted to the hospital for a week.

 

                                                       ----------------------

The day Castiel came home, Meg had called 5 times. He looked at his phone and sighed. It wasn't that he didn't want to see her, he did, he just didn't want to explain what happened. After a few minutes hesitation, he picked up his phone and tapped on her contact. "Well, hello, Clarence." Meg's voice came over the line thick and low.

"Hello, Meg." Castiel said warmly.

"I would ask how you've been but seeing as how I know you were in a mental hospital it seems a little crass. Should I meet you at our usual spot?"

"Yes, I just need to get permission from Michael first."

"Whatever. See you in 1/2." Castiel grabbed a sweatshirt from his room and went downstairs to talk to Michael. Michael was busy making dinner. Castiel hadn't gotten home until 2 in the afternoon and had elected to nap until almost 4. He wasn't ready to speak to Lucifer, Anna, or Gabriel. However Lucifer sat at the dining room table, his icy blue eyes fixed on Castiel. Michael was the oldest. He had been a senior when Castiel was in the eighth grade. He now worked as a paralegal and was finishing up his law degree, a partnership at his firm almost guaranteed. Lucifer was next. 3 years younger than Michael and a senior this year. He was in Dean's year. Castiel had a suspicion that Meg only hung around him to see Lucifer. He couldn't prove it though. Castiel was a junior this year. He was the youngest in his year, since the cutoff date was September 20th, and he was born September 18th. He was almost 16, but easily could be valedictorian if he put a little more effort into his schooling. Gabriel and Anna were twins, and they were both freshmen.

"Nice to see you're not dead, brother." Lucifer dead panned.

"Thank you." Castiel said, unsure of how to reply. He and Lucifer were the closest in age besides the twins, and had always been close when they were young. They had been best friends, actually. Up until his first year of high school. Then Lucifer hated Castiel.

"Do you want to be?" He asked in such a pleasant tone it made Castiel's skin crawl.

"Sometimes."

"I'd do a better job, next time. If I were you." Lucifer smirked.

"That's enough." Michael interjected, "Lucifer get out of here."

Castiel could feel the tears starting to swell in his eyes. He didn't want Meg to see him crying, so he choked them back. Lucifer left the room. "I'm going to see Meg." Castiel's voice broke. Michael looked at him expectantly, but then nodded.

"Fine. When will you be home?"

"I don't know," Castiel sighed, "I just need to get out of here."

"Okay. I'm going to call if you're not home by 9 though, okay? It's technically a school night."

"Thank you."

The walk to the park was actually very nice. The September air was just settling. The trees had barely begun to show color and it was still warm. He enjoyed the 1/2 mile to the local park. It was large, but more importantly, completely surrounded by trees except for the main entrance. There were numerous nature trails that hardly anyone used. Castiel knew exactly which trail to lead him to their spot. He walked, swatting spiderwebs and branches until he reached the small log cabin. It wasn't a real log cabin, made of fallen trees and cement some years earlier by teenagers. Castiel had remembered Michael touting off to work on it with his friends. It was small, and cozy, a few beanbag chairs and a cooler. When Michael had first brought Castiel to see it, there was a little cot against the wall as well, though now the mattress had been removed and only the cot's frame remained. There was a large rug and overall, it was structurally sound. Meg was already waiting inside. "Clarence." She smiled at him. She always called him that, though he had no idea why.

"Hey, Meg." She stood up and hugged him, then pressed a soft kiss on his cheek that made him blush a little.

"You look like you got hit by a bus."

"I kinda feel like it."

"So what happened?"

"Michael caught me."

"Caught you cutting?"

"Yeah."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Why were you doing it?" Castiel really didn't want to answer this question. He had no good answer. Last year, he had swallowed a bottle of Tylenol, hoping he could fall asleep and not wake up, but he got so nervous about what he had done he ended up not being able to sleep and eventually throwing up. Then there had been times when he cut so deep he thought for sure it was going to be over. But it wasn't. He cleaned himself up and kept moving along.

"I just don't care if I'm alive or not anymore." He eventually answered. He wasn't actively trying to be dead. He just didn't care if it happened. He didn't particularly like being alive.

"For what it's worth," Meg said lighting two cigarettes at once then handing one over to Castiel, "I would miss you."

"You might be the only one."

"Maybe, but Michael cares enough to get you help, right? It's a start." Castiel nodded and inhaled almost too deeply. He occupied himself with trying to blow smoke rings. Meg was awesome at it, he still couldn't get a handle on it.

"I saw Dean and Sam Winchester at the hospital." Castiel eventually said.

"In the mental ward?" Meg raised her eyebrows.

"Yep. Sam had a flashback, I guess, so he was admitted immediately. Dean and I talked a little while I was waiting to be admitted. He's not so bad..."

"I'm gonna stop you right there, Clarence. Dean and his squad has made your life a living hell for the past 3 years. They aren't going to stop."

"I know, it was just... Seeing him so protective of Sam, vulnerable, it was like he was a real person and not just another douchey jock."

"Oh god no"

"What?" Castiel glared.

"Don't tell me you're in love with Dean. That is so cliche!"

"I'm not." Castiel said sternly, and he meant it too, "I just don't hate him is all."

"Whatever. How's Lucifer?"

"Still hates me, Meg." She hummed in contemplation for a moment, and the conversation died. They sat at the cabin for a long time, eventually smoking some pot Meg had so generously brought along. Castiel felt high, and happy, for the first time in a long time. Then a strange thought hit him.

"Everyone that doesn't know I'm gay thinks you're my girlfriend." He said, the pot making him grin lazily.

"Yeah, I know," she giggled, "I don't even try to deny it at this point. I mean, I basically am your platonic girlfriend. Let them believe whatever they want." Castiel briefly thought about how their relationship must look to anyone who didn't know them. She often held his hand, kissed him in public, they were always together.

"Do you date?" Castiel was still smiling.

"Not really," Her expression hardened, "I've had my eye on someone but... He's kind of a dick." "Kinda sounds like the type you'd go for." That received Castiel a punch to the shoulder and they both broke out in laughter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://youtu.be/D8axiZqKkcw The for this story is based off of this song. 
> 
> http://youtu.be/F1L5zJ2afLs This is the song that the chapter title is from.
> 
> I like upbeat songs that are kinda sad. What can I say?


	2. I Need to Feel the Strength to Get By

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel returns to school after a week of psychiatric hospitalization. (tw: physical bullies)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and beginning this journey with me. This is my first 1000+ word fic so I'm really trying to develop and make an interesting story. The next few chapters will be more backstory but I assure you I've got some great ideas for where this story should go. It will get dark in some spots so just a heads up if you choose to continue reading. Comments are always appreciated!

Castiel returned to school the next day. 

He pulled on a long sleeve shirt and ran his fingers through his hair a few times, unable to tame the mess of dark brown atop his head. He frowned at his reflection. His eyes looked tired, bags under his eyes and a wary kind of look on his face. His skin hadn't seen sunlight in a long time, and was beginning to look a bit sallow. His lips were chapped and fissures had formed simply from the stretch of talking. He looked how he felt: a mess. 

He went downstairs and was greeted by his siblings. Anna came right over to him and hugged him, pleading with him quietly not to try that again. He wondered exactly what Michael had told them. Castiel and Gabriel were close. As much as Castiel hated being the butt of Gabe's jokes, he could always make Castiel laugh. Gabriel's expression was unreadable. He knew that it was hard for all of them. Castiel felt guilty for feeling so hopeless.

Lucifer was another story. He eyed Castiel's long sleeve shirt, and rolled his eyes. He wouldn't speak to Castiel. 

Michael managed to get everyone fed and out the door. Lucifer walking in another direction while Castiel, Gabriel, and Anna set on their way to school. 

The walk to school was tense and quiet, until Gabriel finally spoke. "I don't want you to die, bro."

Castiel tensed up. He hated having these conversations. "Thank you." He said. 

"I'm just saying," Gabriel waved his hand dismissively, "you're my brother and I care about you. Let's not make it weird."

Castiel smiled a little and the walk felt a little lighter. Gabe had that effect.

\------------

It was second period, and Castiel was craving a cigarette. He had a pack on him that Meg had given him. He figured he would just slip out after second period since third period was study hall. He wouldn't be missed if he skipped. 

The minute the bell rang Castiel gathered his things and headed for the door. Once he was far enough away from the school, he took his pack out as the warning bell for the next class rang. He walked over and joined a group heading to gym class on the track. Once he reached the bleachers, he pulled out a cigarette. The track was too far away to see anyone smoking behind them, he was safe.

He took a long drag of the cigarette, sighing in relief and closing his eyes. When he opened them, his eyes met another boy's: Thomas Azazel. Castiel tried to gather up his things quickly, but it was too late, and Azazel wasn't alone, either. He had his friend (and Castiel's other long-term tormentor) Joseph Alistair in tow. 

"Well, isn't this a pleasant surprise." Azazel said, a crooked smile on his face, "fag-stiel out here enjoying a fag."

Castiel knew he couldn't outrun them. They were both football players. He held his ground.

"I'm not out to cause trouble." Castiel said dismissively.

"No," Alistair piped up, "but I think trouble just found you."

"I think it's time we tell you what we think about you and your homosexual ways." Azazel smirked. Castiel then felt a fist connect with his cheekbone. The first hit wasn't so bad. He hardly felt it. Adrenaline came rushing over him and he felt dizzy for a moment, but no pain. The second hit caught him more by surprise. He fell over, hard, and curled in on himself, just trying to protect his vital organs, like he had read to do.

He felt sneakers connecting with his rib cage. They put a lot of force behind their kicks. He felt a kick on his shoulder blade and knew the headshot was coming. It was excruciating. Tears were running down the side of his face and into his ear. He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. He did have a moment, however. As awful as he was feeling, he didn't want to die here, now. He didn't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing that they killed him. He hoped he could hold on if it came to it.

But the headshot never came.

Instead, the kicking stopped, and he heard a voice he barely recognized. He continued to sob, broken and bloody on the school's grass, when a gentle hand was placed on his shoulder. 

"Are you okay, Cas?"

He opened his eyes to see the boy who saved him. Bright green eyes stared back at him, and the tears wouldn't stop.

Castiel opened his mouth to speak, but he started coughing. He covered his mouth with his hands, only to look down and find them covered in blood. He nodded at Dean anyway.

"C'mon, do you think you can stand up? Does anything feel broken?" Dean asked, examining Castiel.

"No, I don't think so. I think I can sit up." Cas replied.

Castiel winced in pain as he sat, clutching his rib cage. His eye was already beginning to swell shut, and there was a throbbing in his shoulder. He groaned, coming down from his adrenaline high and feeling every bruise and mark. 

"Let me help you to the nurses office, think you can make it? Or want me to find a teacher?" Dean was saying, very procedurally, as if he was trained for this.

"I think I can make it." Cas said weakly, and Dean hoisted him up, allowing Cas to lean into him, an arm slung around his middle. "Why are you helping me, Dean?"

"Because. You don't deserve that, Cas. Those ass hats have another thing comin' if they think they're gonna get away with it. B'sides, I know you're havin' a rough time anyway and I don't believe in kicking people when they're down."

"Aren't you worried how this will look?"

"How what will look?"

Castiel stopped for a moment, eyeing Dean, "I'm pretty much undesirable number one here. I've got people defacing my locker with homophobic slurs daily. I get the shit kicked out of me as a fairly regular occurrence."

Dean just stared back.

"I'd hate to see your popularity status dented by someone so unworthy." Castiel replied sarcastically.

It took Dean a moment for Castiel's words to sink in, but when they did, he started laughing hysterically. "I don't care about that shit, Cas. No one is gonna bother me. And I'm gonna make sure no one is gonna bother you either." Dean was still smiling.

They hobbled down the hallway until they ran into Meg. She eyed the situation suspiciously, but asked (more to Dean) what happened. Dean explained the situation, and Meg helped to support Cas the rest of the way to the nurses office. It was going to be a long school year.

\----------------

Castiel was a bit bruised, but otherwise okay. The nurse let him hide out in her office for a period to take a nap, and afterwards Castiel went to speak with the school adjustment councilor. 

"Well howdy-do Mr. Novak!" Garth, the adjustment councilor, sang happily. He was always chipper. Castiel kind of hated him.

"I was sent here to speak with you." Cas said, looking out the window. It was far from the first time that he was sent to Garth. Many of his teachers had noticed him... Declining In academics, in life. Castiel would often skip their weekly meeting, but Garth had told him during the first meeting that unless he mentioned wanting to hurt himself or anyone else Castiel could tell him anything and it would be between them. 

"Do you wanna tell Mr. Fizzles what happened?" Garth said, holding up a sock puppet. Castiel just frowned until he pulled it off his hand and set it on his desk. "Okay, gonna have to use a different tactic with you." 

Castiel pulled a seat and plopped down with a thud, wincing as his knees gave out. "I got the shit kicked out of me." Castiel said calmly, "That's what happened."

"Why are these boys singling you out?"

"Because I'm an easy target."

"Well, what can you do so you won't be."

"Not be me. Not be alive. Not be... gay." It was the first time Castiel had admitted it to Garth, though he had spoken briefly about the incident that earned his nickname. He figured Garth just knew.

"Now, I know you just missed a week of school because of a psychiatric hospitalization. Is 'not be alive' a double meaning here, Mr. Novak?"

He thought about it for a moment, but decided, no. Just his existence. "No." He said casually. 

"Okay then. Continue."

"I just want to graduate and never look back. I just want to make it through my junior and senior years. I want to survive, but it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle."

"Now, Castiel you lookit me. You are a smart boy. You're talented. But you're not gonna move forward if you keep looking to the past. Don't let one moment in high school define who you are. Don't let them snuff out that light inside you, ya got that?"

Castiel nodded.

\-------

Meg was having a rough day. She had decided not to go back to class after She helped Castiel to the nurse's office. Instead she packed her things and went down to her usual spot down by the lake. The school was almost on the lake, so technically she wasn't leaving school grounds. There were a few kids already waiting when she came down.

Then she saw him: Lucifer.

"Well long time no see." She smiled at him, and he returned a smirk.

"Oh I've been away for a while, but I always find my way back." He said with a mock seriousness that hid his cool demeanor.

"What'll it be?"

"I'm not here for drugs."

"Then what are you here for?"

He looked away. Lucifer was so careful with his words. He could make anyone do almost anything he wanted them to, and had a habit of using the truth against people.

"I just want to know how things have been with my little brother is all." He said conversationally.

"Clarence is having a rough time, but I think he'll pull through." She was very serious.

"My elder brother, Michael, he's aware of you and Castiel dating. He doesn't approve."

"He can shove his approval up his ass."

Lucifer looked serious for a moment. He set his jaw and narrowed his eyes at Meg. She felt oddly scrutinized. Like he was trying to see into her soul. After a moment his features soften and there was something... Something, behind his stare. She waited a beat before moving away from him, unknowingly having moved in close.

"Well, if that's all you needed, I have some business to do here." She said, in a low whisper.

"That's all," he confirmed, "see you around, Meg."

Meg went on with business as usual, selling pot to a few kids, some percs to another, and a little adderall to a kid who was known as an "overachiever." After she had made a nice profit, she pulled out a cigarette and took a drag, waiting a moment before letting the smoke pool out of her mouth in an easy exhale. Warm weather made her want to sit outside and chain smoke.

\---------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://youtu.be/0zYcAMAVCmU  
> The title for this chapter's song is Faith by Calvin Harris


	3. I Think I Need a Sunrise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel's uncle returns home with a warning and Cas and Dean cross paths again. (Tw: explicit self harm)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this fic might stretch out longer than I thought. I've already got about 20,000 words written and a ton of fresh ideas. so again thank you for reading and I look forward to continuing to develop this story. <3

School ended and Castiel caught up with Meg. She had already smoked a joint and was smiling in a pissed-off kind of way. She always looked angry. She always looked like she had something up her sleeve. But she was untouchable. She was hard, unforgiving, and ruthless. But she was also soft, and comfortable, and understanding (with Castiel at least.) She was one of the only people he could trust.

"So your brother thinks we're dating. I may have perpetuated that notion." She said, trying to focus her eyes.

"You what?" Castiel asked, unable to comprehend how one of his brothers could believe that. They had been friends for years.

"Lucifer asked if we were dating. I didn't deny it. Look I'm not asking for a fucking medal, but I know you're not ready to come out yet and I just didn't discount what he said." She scowled.

"What did he say?"

"He said that Michael 'knew about us' that he 'didn't approve'."

"Why would he say that?"

"I don't know, he's you're dumbass brother."

"Thank you." Castiel said looking down. He didn't know why Meg was looking out for him like this. Meg really didn't like anyone. He had no idea why she would protect him. Theoretically, they shouldn't even be friends. Castiel came from an affluent family. His uncle, and guardian, Zachariah, worked for a mission organization that built churches and refurnished old ones. He traveled all around the country, and often wasn't home. Michael had taken on the responsibility of running the household.

Michael wasn't so bad, but Castiel knew his brother was the most devout of all of them. He enjoyed bible study, read the Liturgy every Sunday, and openly protested homosexuality. Still, Castiel didn't think unkindly on Michael for it, it was the way they were raised. Michael made them eat healthy foods. No candy, no school lunches, nothing artificial, usually. Castiel had been 12 the first time he tasted a cheeseburger. He loved it. But Michael would make large vats of food for leftovers throughout the week. He wasn't a bad cook.

Michael also had set a curfew for his younger brothers. 10 pm was the latest any of them could be out. Castiel had never been punished for staying out past curfew.

Meg was another story.

She came from the seedy side of town. A cramped 2 bedroom apartment that she shared with her older sister, Lilith. Lilith was awful to her. She was 23 and technically only her half sister. Lilith would go on benders, she would inject, she would snort, and she would swallow almost any drug she could get. Meg liked pot, but she kept the harder stuff for if she was really strapped for cash, then she would sell it. She usually kept a balloon or two of heroin, some coke, and sometimes some meth in her room. Meg's supplier was an old friend of Lilith's anyway, so she barely had to pay anything for it and could turn a huge profit. 

Meg never talked about her parents to Castiel. Which was fine. He never talked about his to her either. It was a good friendship, and the only Castiel had ever really had. So what if people thought they were dating. As long as it didn't get back to his siblings, Castiel didn't really care what people said. Meg pulled out another joint and lit the end, inhaling deeply. She then handed it over to Castiel, who took it gratefully. He felt his muscles relax and the pain from the beating earlier wear away. He started to grin lazily, the way he did when he was high. It occurred to him, briefly, that he only ever smiled when he was high anymore. He should be more sad at that fact, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Meg leaned over and kissed his cheek. And he kissed hers back. They smiled and smooshed their faces together, his arms wrapping around her and pressing her into his side. He loved Meg. Not in a sexual way, not in a romantic way, but he definitely felt a form of love for her. And if he was to die right here with her pressed up warm against him? That would be okay with him.

When Castiel got home he was riding a pleasant high. He rubbed his eyes and squirted a few anti-redness drops in them so that Michael wouldn't notice. Not the the figured he would anyway. Unfortunately, though, Castiel was not greeted by his brother but his uncle, a stern expression wearing on his face. "What is wrong with you," Zachariah asked when Castiel stepped into the room. 

"I'm just not feeling well, I must've caught a cold or something." Castiel looked away, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. Zachariah had a presence. He filled the room with an icy discomfort not unlike what Lucifer could muster up when he wanted. 

"You've been disobedient, Castiel." He stated as a fact, no question was posed.

Castiel didn't answer. He didn't nod, he just stared at his uncle. 

"I'm not sure what to do at this point. You've given me little choice. One more infraction or hospitalization and I will send you away." He said this easily. He didn't care much for Castiel, but he'd move mountains for Michael. Michael must've called him. It was the only reason he would come back. Castiel wondered if Michael thought taking care of Castiel was too much. 

"Send me where?" Castiel asked, his voice more sure than he was. 

"There are some Christian foster homes that may be fitting for you. Ones run by nuns or good church-going people equipped to deal with problem children like you. Those that are sinning by trying to take their own life," Zachariah glared at Castiel with disgust, "Or those that are leading a homosexual lifestyle, or have turned to drugs. Some have even turned to prostitution. They handle those problem cases. Now I need you to stop acting out. Get your grades up. And I don't want another phone call from Michael unsure of what to do with you. Understood?"

Castiel didn't want to be sent away. As awful as everything was, he didn't want to leave his only friend and go live in some 'foster' home where they would likely try to beat the sins out of him. He felt his face drain of color, and he steadied himself before he spoke. "I assure you, uncle, that will not be necessary. I will obey."

"Good." His uncle quirked his lips slightly. "You are excused."

Castiel quickly turned and climbed the stairs to his bedroom. He was suddenly exhausted and his high was wearing off. He felt the burning of his tears cut through the coldness on his face. He grabbed his pillow and sobbed into it, hoping that no one would hear his strangled cries. He looked around his bedroom. The walls were white and bare, save the cross that hung over his dresser that was given to him by his godfather when he was baptized. There were a bunch of religious books on his shelf. Different translations of the bible, hymn books, and some piano books. His closet held his church clothing, a few black suits and long sleeve button ups. His dresser, nightstand, and bed frame all looked like the same wood, but they were the exact same ones in his siblings rooms too. He rifled quickly through his nightstand drawer. He knew Michael had thrown out all of the blades he could find, but Castiel knew he couldn't look everywhere. 

When he couldn't find the blade he'd hidden in the back of the drawer, he was disappointed. He tore though the shelf in his closet, to no avail as well. He couldn't find any one his blades. Michael was good. 

He knew the longer he waited, the deeper he'd want to go. He started panicking. He searched through his backpack and came up with a pack of staples. Not his usual means, but they were sharp enough to get the job done. He pressed the edge onto his forearm and dragged. It wasn't so deep, but when he saw the little bubbles of blood start to form he breathed a sigh of relief. A few more drags across his skin and he stopped crying. He cleaned himself up, rebandaging his wounds. He laid on his bed for a long time. A numbness setting into his bones. He just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up.

\----------------------

Dean fished around his pocket for his buzzing phone. He smiled when the contact information popped up: Lisa Braeden. He and Lisa had been going steady for 6 months now, since junior year. She was exceptional. She was smart, wise beyond her years, and never hesitated to call him out on his bullshit. She helped him so much when he thought he'd lost Sam. She gave him love, even if he didn't think he deserved it. 

"Hey, Lis." He answered happily. Feeling calm and grounded. He always did when he was with her. 

"Dean!" She said excitedly, like hearing his voice was the greatest thing she'd ever known. He couldn't help but wonder how I such an amazing person could be so in love with him. "I know you're busy with practice," she continued, "But I was wondering if we could go out tonight afterward. I'd really love to see the new divergent movie..."

"Of course. I'll pick you up around 8, sound good?"

"Sounds great! I love you, Dean. Bye."

"You too, Lis. See ya."

He had a really hard time saying those words, even though he felt them. Some nights, deep into the early hours of the morning when his Dad wasn't home and Lisa would stay over, he might whisper them into her hair. He hoped that he could convey how he felt about her with his actions. Yes, the sex was awesome, but it was more than that. It was opening up to her. About Sam, about his Dad. About everything in his life. She was someone he could trust. 

And he knew, he loved her.

When Dean arrived home after practice, his dad was out and Sam was sitting at the table, studiously taking biology notes from his textbook. "Hey there, Sammy, how ya feeling?" Dean sat opposite him at the table, taking his shoes and socks off.

"I'm fine, Dean." Sam scowled and tried to refocus on his homework. Dean knew it was the last thing from true, that Sam was a fucking train wreck and he was bound to have at least a few more episodes before the end of the school year, but Dean didn't push the issue further. 

"I'm going out with Lisa tonight. You gonna be okay here for a few hours?" 

"I'll be fine. You don't need to keep treating me like I'm some sort of mental case. I wasn't even admitted the last time."

"I never said you were a mental case. I'm just worried about you 's all. You just promise you'll call if you're not feeling right?" 

"Yes, Dean. I promise." Sam let out an exasperated sigh. Dean knew Sam saw himself as a freak. He couldn't get over Jess. He was still having night terrors that would send him into panic attacks. Dean would give anything just to let Sam feel normal. Sam was such a good kid. Better than Dean. 

Dean was an average student. He was average in almost every way, though he was exceptional at sports and cars. He hardly had to put any effort in, they both came naturally. But Sam was determined. He ran in the mornings to keep fit, something Dean never did unless he was being chased or was at practice. Sam studied hard, and had achieved a 4.0 gpa last year. Sam didn't sleep around, like Dean had before Lisa. Dean had dated a few girls, Cassie Robinson, Tessa Clarke, and a few others that maybe lasted a few weeks to a month, but otherwise he had earned a reputation of a killer one night stand.

Sam was better in every way.

Dean climbed the stairs to shower and get ready for his date. This, he could do.

\------------------

When Castiel awoke from his nap, the clock read 6:30 in the evening. He woke feeling a little disoriented and drained. Why did he always have to wake up? He pulled on a new long sleeve shirt and some soft jeans. He descended the stairs and walked into the kitchen, the high from earlier completely gone, but the hunger setting in. He would probably kill for a cheeseburger. 

To his relief, it looked like Zachariah had already left. The table was cleared and 5 plates sat neatly in the drying rack next to the sink. Castiel knew that Michael would've saved him leftovers, but he didn't really want to eat plain broccoli and salmon. Not tonight. He craved something high in fat and low in nutrition. Sometimes, when Meg would say it was her "lady time" she and Castiel would sit at the log cabin and eat raw cookie dough, straight from the container. Castiel had actually marked off her cycle on his calendar, just so he knew when to bring some. She had been surprised the first time he'd done it, but it quickly became routine. 

He wandered around to find his siblings in their living room. Anna and Gabriel were doing homework, copying each others notes. Lucifer was knitting (a hobby of his, and of Castiel's as well, but more so for Lucifer since he always seemed to be cold) and Michael was watching a sermon on the television. Castiel didn't particularly want to spend time with his family. They meant well, but he always felt out of place, like he was doing something wrong. Like he was wrong. 

Castiel cleared his throat "Michael?" 

Michael muted the television, "What is it, brother?"

"I'm going for a walk. I'll be home before 10." He said, grabbing his shoes out of the hallway.

"Okay. Be safe. Call me if you need anything." Castiel could see back into the room, he could see Lucifer look up and glare at him. He didn't understand what was wrong. Lucifer had no reason to act like this. They used to be so close...

Castiel headed out the door and down the street. He had a little over 20 dollars on him, so he figured he'd walk up to the shops in town and get himself a burger. They were only a mile and a half away. He popped his headphones in his ears, Meg had given him an old iPod she'd had lying around and let him use her computer to download music on to it. The only computer that Castiel had in his house was the family one and there was only one username. Michael could potentially see everything that he did on it so her never used it for anything but studies.

He thumbed past song after song until he settled on Boston by Augustana. He loved the song. He thought about how nice it would be to leave Lawrence, Kansas for the east coast. For Boston. To walk the streets and not be afraid. He figured that even a liberal state like Massachusetts would have its share of bigots, but he'd heard of Boston Pride, how big and wonderful it was. He thought he would like to someday live there, and maybe not have to hide who he was. To go to Provincetown in the summer where, he'd heard, had a very large and primarily gay community. To meet some handsome man and get to hold hands, kiss, and maybe even get married there. Castiel had decided, Boston was the place to be.

If he could only survive two more years.

He walked on the side of the road, and it took him almost 30 minutes to reach the mall. He didn't mind, though. The mall was a tiny thing, consisting of a diner, a few boutique women's clothing shops, a taylor, a movie theater and a candy store. Across the street there was a pharmacy, a donut shop, and set back was a grocery store with a laundromat and a salon in the same plaza. There were a few restaurants near by as well, but they were further down the street. It wasn't really even a mall, the closest mall was over an hour away by highway. But the small strip-mall was better than nothing for the kids of the town.

Castiel entered the diner. The waitress, whom he knew from school, came over almost immediately. "Take a seat anywhere." She said, "I'll be right over to help you."

Castiel nodded politely and chose a seat by the window. He kept one headphone in, just spacing out and looking at the sunset. When the waitress came back, Castiel had a hard time remembering her name. "What'll it be, Castiel, right?"

He nodded and glanced at her name tag. Krissy. "Yes, may I have the cheeseburger with french fries, please?"

"Anything to drink?"

"Water is good, thanks."

Krissy nodded and went to put in the order. Castiel knew he must look pathetic, sitting alone in a diner while the world around him continued to flourish. He couldn't find it in himself to care. He just stared trying to swallow down the sinking feeling he got when he was alone for too long. He kept staring until someone caught his eye. Dean Winchester. He looked into the window of the diner and caught Castiel's stare. He was alone, which was unusual. He almost always had an entourage of at least 5 people. He smiled a little and walked straight into the diner.

He and Krissy fist-pumped when they saw each other, laughing a little. Dean was dressed in a nice button down, and Castiel couldn't help but notice how good he looked in it. He normally wore ripped jeans to school but tonight his jeans looked nice, at least more new that the ones he usually donned. His hair was spiked up and probably held with a little gel or pomade. Dean looking so good made Castiel feel self conscious all of a sudden. He was wearing a long sleeve black shirt and some very worn and comfortable jeans. He knew his hair was a mess, but there wasn't anything he could really do about it anyway. He shifted uncomfortably.

Castiel's brain took a minute to catch up with his eyes when Dean took a seat across from him. He couldn't fathom why Dean would want to sit at his table. It must be some kind of joke. Castiel paused the music he was playing and took the earphone out, silently pocketing it. "What're you listening to, Cas?"

Cas' brow furrowed, what was happening? Dean Winchester wasn't his friend. Sure he'd helped him when he had been beaten up earlier in the day, but really? They weren't even close to friends. Castiel was a loser. A nobody. No one really wanted anything to do with him, not even his own siblings. He was a band geek, attended youth group at church, and hated himself. Dean was the opposite. He was perfect. He had everything. There was no way he could be nice. In fact, Dean had shoved Castiel around a few times here or there. Enough to make it clear that Castiel best stay out of his way.

When Castiel realized he had been staring, he looked away and flushed. "Boston, by Augustana." He said quietly.

"I think I've heard that once or twice. Mind if I join you for a burger?" He said, his eyes sparkling bright green. Castiel had never been this close to him before. Not like this. Cas could make out the solid line of his jaw, the slight bump in his nose that made it just ever so slightly off, the way his large eyes looked so green with the fading sunset illuminating them, or the way his lips looked plump and soft and....

Oh.

"Sure." Castiel said, caught between wanting to get away and wanting to stare at Dean some more. "Are you here alone, or are you waiting for someone?"

"Alone. I had a date with Lisa, but she forgot about an anatomy lab due tomorrow so she had to take a rain check. I was already on my way over so I figured I'd just come see what was going on here." Dean said as he relaxed into the seat. "What are you doin' here all alone, Cas? No Meg out with you tonight?"

"No. I just wanted a cheeseburger. Meg lives on the other side of town. I figured I'd just eat alone."

"Would you rather eat alone?"

"No, I'd love some company, actually."

"Cool. How've you been, man?"

It was a loaded question. And Castiel knew Dean wasn't just asking about the beating he'd taken. He hated this. Not being sure what he was. Fine? Probably not. Muddling? That seemed more appropriate. But there was no good way to tell Dean that. "I've been... Managing. How about you, and Sam?"

"Sam is doing better. He didn't need to be admitted, just evaluated. I took him home maybe 20 minutes after they called me." Dean shrugged. "And I'm good. You know, livin' it up senior style and whatnot." There was a hint of sarcasm to his tone there.

"I was still waiting to be seen when you left. I wasn't seen until almost 3 am. But, I did have to be admitted." Castiel nodded a thank you at the waitress as she set his water down. His hospitalization was already the talk of the school. It wasn't like there was a lot going on there anyways. Teenagers love to talk. 

"You're havin' a rough time, lately, huh?" It didn't settle as a question, more as a statement. Castiel looked over, like he was trying to figure something out. He stared at Dean, tilting his head, and tried to see. Something, anything that would possess one of the schools' elite popular kids to come and dine with him. Dean started to squirm under the scrutiny. Castiel realized what he was doing and shook it off.

"My apologies, Dean." He said, breaking his gaze. 

"It's cool, Cas." 

They ate in silence for a while after that, occasionally Dean would spout on about his brother, and Castiel might mention something interesting from bible class or about Meg. The whole situation should have been awkward. It wasn't. 

After Dean had successfully eaten his entire burger and was just picking at the last of his fries, he started talking again. "There's this party at this kid Crowley's house this Saturday." Dean said chewing, "it's supposed to be really crazy since his parents are away in England for the next 2 months and he's loaded. He's like 22 or something. All the local college kids are going. Some seniors here, too. You should come." 

"I'm sure I wouldn't be allowed." Castiel said sadly. He didn't want to give Zachariah an excuse as to why he should be sent off. It was too much. Dean shrugged and when they finished their meals, Dean payed for both. Castiel insisted he didn't need to, but Dean just said that Castiel could use break. He also drove Cas home in his giant black car. For the first time in a long time, Castiel felt like he might be okay.


	4. If I Let Myself Go I'm the Only One To Blame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Meg attend the party. Cas makes bad decisions.
> 
> Dean gets his heart broken. 
> 
> (There will be some Balthazar/Cas in this chapter, though he's another bad decision Cas is making, so if you're not into it, that's the warning. It's important to the story though.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and sticking this out. I am trying to post at least every other Tuesday, and so far have managed it. Comments and kudos are always appreciated!

When Thursday rolled around, Castiel was surprised to find that Michael was gone. There was a little note on the refrigerator explaining that Michael had to work a few states over and wouldn't be home until next Wednesday. Well that was a god-send. The note also left Lucifer in charge, not the best for Castiel, but he could manage his brother.

Castiel got ready for school really early, hoping to be out before Lucifer noticed him. He walked toward the end of the street to the woods that he and Meg usually met at. The air was chilly as he pulled out a cigarette, now far enough away from his house to light it and breathe in a sigh of relief when the smoke filled his lungs. The first drag was always the best. Meg came bustling out of the trees not long after that, and they silently agreed to take the shortcut through the woods to school.

"There's a party this weekend," Castiel said, testing the waters.

"Oh yeah? There are parties every weekend if you know where to look." Meg answered back, a little more snappy than her usual demeanor. Though it was kind of hard to tell.

"I want to go." He said. His tone final. He wanted to do this, to see Dean again, to get out into the world for once.

"Okay, where is it?"

"It's at a kid named Crowley's place."

"Ugh!" Meg's expression fell. She looked like she could potentially boil over from rage.

"You know him?"

"He and Lilith are... Well... I don't know. Lovers I guess? He's the one who got her hooked on so many drugs, anyways. He Thinks he's some kind of drug king here." Castiel nodded. He still really wanted to go to the party, still really wanted to see Dean. "I'm coming too." She said finally, her expression steeled and her eyes hardened. 

The night of the party came quickly. Meg came over to Castiel's to help him get ready and choose something to wear, though they would be heading over to Meg's place afterwards so that Lilith could bring them to the party. He must've tried on six outfits even before Meg arrived. When she did, Lucifer answered the door and Castiel stood still shower fresh and shirtless in their living room. 

"Just because Michael isn't home doesn't mean you can walk around naked in the presence of a lady, Castiel." Lucifer glowered. Castiel had forgotten that Lucifer thought he and Meg were dating. 

"I was just having trouble choosing a shirt," Castiel explained calmly, not wanting to set Lucifer off and make it so he couldn't go to the party, "I was hoping that Meg would help me decide. I'll keep my door open."

Lucifer reluctantly nodded and glared at the so called "couple." Castiel had been doing really well beside the visit with Zachariah. But those cuts were more just scratches that could be explained away easily, so while he might not elect to wear completely short sleeves, he was still somewhat comfortable with 3/4 lengths or ones he could roll up slightly. This opened up new wardrobe choices for him and he was feeling a bit overwhelmed. Castiel didn't miss the the flicker behind Lucifer's eyes at the sight of Meg, though. He knew better than to comment. 

Once they got up to Castiel's room Meg pulled a shirt out of her purse. It was a button-down, a beige tone with rose gold buttons. It was sleek, and when Castiel tried it on, it fit him perfectly. "Where did you get this?" He asked, the material felt soft, like it was worn, but it smelled factory fresh. These types of shirts were usually expensive. 

"At the mall, swung by after school on my way over and saw this and figured it'd be perfect for you." She said, smoothing out the front of the shirt over Castiel's chest. 

"It is perfect, thank you." Castiel said in a neutral way. He knew Meg probably didn't purchase this shirt, but he wasn't going to call her out on her illegal activities. She never called him out on his.

Once Castiel was ready he said goodbye to Anna and Gabriel. They would be spending the night over at their friend from church's house, leaving Lucifer. Castiel had told Lucifer that he was going to a birthday party for one of his classmates and afterward he and Meg might catch a movie, not to wait up. He couldn't risk Michael finding out he was going to a party with drinking and (if he was lucky) drugs. 

Once they left Castiel's house it was a short bus ride to Meg's apartment.

Castiel had been to Meg's a few times before, she lived on the 3rd floor of a three floor multi-family walk up. The unit itself was small. It had 2 bedrooms and the kitchen and living room connected awkwardly. Lilith was on the couch, napping, a mess of blonde hair just barely uncovered by blankets. Meg dragged Castiel into her room without so much as a greeting to her sister and closed the door harshly. It wouldn't be enough to wake Lilith, but it would be enough to disturb her. 

Meg's room was pretty average for a teenaged girl. She had some band posters, a couple paintings she'd done, and a large piece of cloth that Castiel assumed could be called a tapestry, hung on the walls. Her room was messy, she started sifting through a pile of clothes on her chair while Castiel occupied himself with her makeup collection, trying to organize it. 

"Here." She threw a bag of nips at him. He'd never really done a shot, never mind a nip. He ran his hands through the bag, grabbing the first one he found. It was raspberry vodka. Meg grabbed a tequila one, unscrewed the top and downed it all at once. Castiel followed suit, somewhat apprehensively. They each did 3 nips, respectively, as a pre-game. 

By the time Meg was ready, Lilith was awake. Her eyes were bloodshot and she looked like she hadn't washed her hair in at least a week. Castiel also noticed her arms, which were splattered with bruises and track marks. He wondered exactly how much she was on, and what. He knew better than to ask Meg, though. 

The ride to the party was shorter than Castiel had anticipated, and before he knew it, he was maneuvering through a crowd of college kids. The house (mansion, really) was huge. The party was both in the main room and out back. It was still warm enough to be outside at night, but it was nice to have the warmth of a bonfire. Crowley's back yard had a huge pool, as well as a pool house which had been converted into a bar. Complete with beers on tap. The back of the pool house had 2 bedrooms, as well as another living area that was closed off by a curtain. Castiel stared at it, when a familiar voice came up behind him, "That's the VIP lounge." 

Castiel turned around faster than he thought he could. And there he stood, blond, with a deep v-neck shirt, skinny jeans, and a leather vest. "Balthazar." Castiel replied in greeting.

"Never thought I'd see you again." Balthazar smiled. 

"Me neither."

Balthazar's eyes skimmed over Castiel, stopping at his lips, then skirting over his crotch. Castiel felt suddenly exposed. "Would you like to see it?" The British teen's words were heavy and Castiel knew his agreement would be more than entering the room. 

Castiel nodded. 

Balthazar opened the curtains and allowed Castiel to step in first. The music was even louder here, some electronic dance music that he could vaguely make out the words: I've been infected with restless whispers and cheats.... Because I played the fool for you....

The room had a few other people in it. There was a large, round couch with a bunch of pillows and a table in the middle of it. In the center, looking quite relaxed, was Fergus Crowley. He gave a smug smile at Castiel and extended a cigarette to him. When Castiel accepted he held out a light. "So," Crowley continued to smile, "Who is this strapping lad, eh?" Balthazar was quick to step in, introducing Castiel to Crowley.

Crowley held eye contact for much longer than was considered polite, but Castiel held it back. "What's your poison, Castiel?" Crowley said this as a challenge.

"I'll try anything." Castiel said, surprising himself. Crowley nodded in concession. Castiel looked around the room again. There was a girl he knew from school, Ruby, as well was a dark haired boy Castiel thought had graduated the year before. He was pretty sure his name was Thio. Ruby looked pretty strung out already. Thio looked incredibly unsteady. Castiel watched as Crowley pulled out something from his pocket.

"You'll try anything, yes?" Crowley asked.

"Yes." Castiel was sure, whatever it was, he wanted to forget himself. He wanted to escape.

"I've got smack."

Castiel wasn't up with all of the slang terms for drugs. He nodded anyways. "How much?" Castiel had $50 on him. That's all he ever left the house with. But Crowley shrugged him off.

"First hit is free. Then, for you Angel, we can discuss terms. But I reserve the right to change prices as new shipment comes."

Crowley then dug out of the drawer in the table a needle. It was still wrapped and sanitary. Castiel had never injected anything. He had snorted coke, and abused adderall a bunch, but he had never actually injected. Crowley prepared the drug and then handed the syringe over to Castiel. Balthazar had already prepared his own and injected. Castiel pressed the needle into his skin and held his breath as he pushed the plunger down.

Crowley then got up to get him a drink. Castiel didn't think he felt anything until Crowley came back with a gin and tonic. Castiel sipped slowly and felt his eyes drooping. He suddenly felt incredibly hot and flushed. His heart was racing. He downed the drink quickly. Everything felt good really really good. He was smiling without even realizing it. He felt like everything would be okay. Then, after a moment of complete bliss, he felt a mouth connect with his own. Balthazar. He kissed back hungrily, picking up right where they'd left off last summer.

It was something he could do. Something he understood. Biting down lightly on Balthazar's lip, he let himself be pushed down onto the couch. He could feel hands all over him. On his chest, his thighs, his neck. Balthazar was so close, so warm, but he felt so far away at the same time. 

"Balthazar..." Castiel whined, "I thought you didn't like me?" It was a feeble question. Self-conscious, really. He knew that Balthazar did like him. He also knew Balthazar had his reasons for breaking it off. And if Castiel was honest with himself, he never really loved Balthazar anyway. 

"I think you're beautiful," Balthazar kissed into Castiel's neck, "So smart and beautiful. So pure." The compliments made Castiel's face flush. He wasn't used to hearing anything like it. His family would rather highlight his flaws than accept and love who he was. But with the drugs heightening his senses, Balthazar's words seemed like they could pierce his skin and burst within him. 

Everything felt so good. Balthazar's warm mouth, the couch, the room. Everything felt incredible. But something was missing. Meg was missing. 

Castiel idly wondered where Meg was. He wanted to tell her that everything would be okay. That he didn't really want to die. That he was going to be okay. He broke off the kiss and stumbled back into the party. He looked around for familiar faces, but he didn't have friends outside of Meg, so he wasn't upset to see a room full of strangers. Balthazar didn't follow him, not that he expected him to. He knew what Balthazar was after and it wasn't something he wanted to give so easily.

Meg found him after he had been dancing for a good ten minutes. He wasn't particularly coordinated, and just tried to follow what everyone else was doing. He fell a few times, but quickly gathered himself up and continued. He danced with a bunch of people, trying to copy their dance moves and laughing when he needed to steady himself.

When she did find him, she took one look at him and her face broke. It read a mixture of sadness, anger, and perhaps some concern. Castiel started going on about how he was going to be okay. That she didn't need to worry anymore. That he wasn't going to hurt himself anymore. Everything felt so good, like tomorrow was a new day and nothing could hurt him. How he wanted to come out to his family and Michael would be okay with it and Lucifer would speak to him again. He had a vision in his mind of a wonderful ideal world. Everything would be okay. He wouldn't want to kill himself. He would want to be alive again and wasn't sure the last time he felt so alive. 

"Let's get you home." Was all she said.

\------------------

Dean hadn't really seen anyone worth talking to at the party. He half hoped that Cas would've shown up, but he knew his family was super over protective religious. He went home early, after downing a few drinks with Victor, Jo, and Benny. Dean walked into their house. It was small, but since his mom died it felt too big for the three guys.

John was sprawled out on the couch, a bottle of whiskey resting in the crook of his arm. Dean knew the drill. He put a trash bag inside one of their little plastic tubs from the kitchen. It was large enough in case John started puking. He slowly removed the bottle of whiskey, capping it and stowing it in the cabinet where John liked to keep his liquor. Dean then covered his father with a blanket and placed some aspirin and some water on the end table. He would need it.

When Dean got upstairs, he immediately went to go check on Sam. Sam was sleeping soundly in his bed, snoring softly. He smiled to himself. John could get mean when he was drunk. Occasionally raising a hand to his boys, but seeing Sam sleeping so innocently made Dean feel like everything could be okay. He knew Sam was still having nightmares. He knew Sam was still struggling to move on with his life. And even though Dean had gone through his own Hell, losing his mother and taking beatings from John, he couldn't imagine what Sam was going through. 

Dean remembered the day that it happened. It was close to the end of the school year, only about a month and a half left. Dean had dropped Sam off at Jessica's house. They had been going steady for almost a year. Dean thought it was cute, and he liked thinking that Sam was safe somewhere, away from John. 

From what Sam told him when he finally came to, he had fallen asleep watching a movie with Jess. The next thing he knew, there was fire all around him and he was struggling to breathe. He woke Jess the best he could but she'd inhaled so much smoke that she wasn't super responsive. He had sat her down close to the window, but when he managed to open it, the fresh oxygen fueled the flame and sent the flames toward them in an explosion. Jess was burning. Sam was burning, but being close to the window, he managed to climb out. He tried so hard to get Jess out too, trying to drag her burning body out the window, but the boiler went when she was only a shoulder out. The explosion sent Sam back from the house almost 50 feet. 

Dean got the call around 11 at night, sure that he had lost his little brother. John had been "away" at the time. In fact, John didn't come home until close to a week after the fire. 

Sam woke up in the hospital. Bandaged and in so much pain, but the first thing he asked about was Jess. Dean was sitting by his side. Dean had to tell his little brother that his first love was dead. Dean had to watch his brother struggle in pain both emotional and physical. Dean had to watch Sam get better, only to pick up an infection and nearly die again. Dean had to continue working at Bobby's shop to pay the hospital bills, even though he just wanted to stay with Sam. And Dean had to help Sam deal with the trauma. 

Sam still had flashback night terrors. He would wake up screaming for Jess. He would hallucinate seeing her on the streets. He would go into trances where he would try and climb out the window, occasionally trying to crawl out of the ones on the second story. He had panic attacks. He had days where he could not get out of bed to save his life. There were days when he wished he'd died. 

Dean knew that Sam was struggling to know what was his hell and what was real. He knew, by now, when he needed to bring him to the hospital and when he could make him come back to reality. Even if another hospitalization would mean picking up more shifts at Bobby's and having no free time or money to show for it. 

But looking at him sleeping soundly, it was enough to make a shred of hope crop up and warm him from the inside. Maybe things could get better. Maybe Sam could get better. He had to hope, right?

Dean wandered up to his room, feeling warm and still a little drunk. He pulled his pants off and threw them and his button down on the floor. Feeling much more comfortable, he grabbed his phone to check his emails, but he was surprised to find a missed call and voicemail from Lisa. He opened the voicemail, wondering if he should put his pants back on in case she wanted him to come over. Hey Dean, it's Lisa. I got some news today and I would really like for you to call me when you're available. Talk to you soon, bye bye!

The message sounded excited, so he took that as a good sign. He hit the redial button and not two rings later Lisa picked up. "Dean!" She said in greeting.

"Hey Lis, what's up?"

"Well, I wanted to talk to you."

"Well good 'cause I want to listen." He said cheerily.

"Oh, um. Well, look I got an early acceptance to one of the colleges I applied to."

"That's awesome. Which one?"

"It was my reach school. Parsons New School of Design. I was accepted into their fashion design program."

"Cool, so you think you're gonna go there?"

"Yeah, I think so. It's in New York City. I'll have to spend most of this year creating a portfolio and designing as much as I can."

"New York City, huh?"

"Yeah, well, that's the other thing, Dean."

"Other thing?"

"I think we should break up. I've just got too much going on right now to give you the commitment that you need as a boyfriend. I care about you so much, I love you, but I have to do this. I still want to be friends."

Dean felt like the ground was caving beneath him. He'd never been dumped. He'd dumped a lot of girls in this day. He knew the line. But Lisa was different, she had been so kind to him. He'd met her parents, her cousins too. He knew her family. He felt like he really knew her and even occasionally thought about marrying her if they stayed together after high school. 

He remembered when he showed up at her door, after the fire. He was a wreck. He thought for sure his brother was as good as dead. He had driven straight over to her home after leaving the hospital in the afternoon. He was lucky she had come to the door. He broke down, hard. As if everything he had ever felt was rushing through him. Forget about the steps of grief, he was feeling them all and they were killing him. She knew what to do. She always knew what to do. She had held him for hours, speaking comforts into his ear. She made sure he ate. That he bathed. That he didn't fall into a chasm of self hatred and remorse over not being able to save his little brother. She supported him when he needed her most. He had never bared his soul in such a vulnerable way to anyone, and wasn't sure if he could again. 

"Dean? Are you there?" He realized that he hadn't responded for a few moments. 

"Please, Lis," he said in a hushed voice just above a whisper, "Don't do this."

"I'm sorry, Dean. Like I said, I still want to be your friend. I'll still be there for you. But I can't give what you need in our relationship anymore. And that's not fair to either of us."

"I still love you." The words sounded foreign on his tongue. He so rarely spoke them he wasn't sure if they held any weight for him anymore. But he knew that it was true.

"I know."

They spoke for a few more moments, but there wasn't much else to say. It was over for the both of them.

Once they hung up, Dean went downstairs to finish off the whiskey his father had fallen asleep with. It wouldn't be noticed. He knew he wasn't going to sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://youtu.be/nJ3ZM8FDBlg - p!nk Sober


	5. Still Getting Cold in Spaces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel/Balthazar relationship in this chapter. Sorry, I don't ship it either...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm posting a day later than anticipated, but I hope you won't be too mad at me! Thanks for reading, please tell me what you think!

When Castiel awoke, he was in his bed. His head throbbed and he felt as though he was dying. And wouldn't that be wonderful? But why did it have to be so painful? His whole body was encased in a dull ache. He experimentally moved his hand, noticing a water bottle on his nightstand. He tried to grip it, but found his muscles too weak to do so. What had he taken again?

He laid back on his pillow and stared at the ceiling, trying to piece together the events of the night. He hadn't seen Dean Winchester, had he? No. He didn't think so. But he had seen someone... Balthazar.

Balthazar had been going to an all boys religious school. The church that Castiel attended was the main church of that school. Roman Catholic and part of the Xavian Brotherhood. That's how they met. Michael had allowed Castiel to attend a pot-luck as a volunteer to keep the foods hot and to serve drinks (water, juice, and lemonade) to the attendees. Castiel was astutely completing any tasks given to him and making sure everyone had what they needed. The church hall was large, and the tables were set up in a way that Castiel had to squeeze himself around chairs and between the tables. He noticed the blond boy staring at him more than once. Castiel felt uncomfortable. He wasn't sure why, but he wanted to talk to this boy.

Castiel had never had a crush. He only had Meg as a friend, but he'd known her since his first day of middle school, when he entered public school after being homeschooled by his uncle. It was just after his father left, not that Castiel had ever really known him. He was always on business and generally absent.

But there was something about this blond boy that he kept looking over to him. He was not sure what this meant. Castiel didn't know anyone at the function, he knew them from church but not enough that he felt comfortable striking a conversation. He hardly spoke at all. He was socially awkward and generally didn't know what anyone was talking about, unless the subject was religious books or classical music, he wasn't much addition to the conversation.

Before the dessert was brought out, Castiel was allowed to make himself a plate of what was left of the potluck. He prepared himself some beef stew, a little pasta, and some steamed vegetables. He went to sit in a far-off corner as the volunteers designated to clear and bring out desert started. He didn't notice until the blond boy was in his personal space, shadow stretching over Castiel.

"Hello," the boy said, "Name's Balthazar." The boy had a thick British accent and looked very casual. His easiness was something Castiel was unused to. 

"Hello," Castiel replied, somewhat nervously, "I'm Castiel." He knew that he came off a bit uptight. He knew that he probably shouldn't even be talking to this boy, but something about the easiness of his demeanor and relaxed nature made him feel like he was doing something dangerous. It was exhilarating. 

"Well, Cassie, what do you say you and I get out of here for a bit. No one will notice. We could go talk down by the bleachers." He said with a smirk and Castiel didn't miss the way his eyes fell on to his lips before coming back up and resting on his eyes. Castiel wasn't sure exactly what the boy was asking, but he liked it. He wanted to know. There was something in this other boys eyes that made Castiel want to try something new. Castiel nodded.

"Good. Let me get your number first, so we can keep in contact." Balthazar smiled. Once Castiel finished programming his number, Balthazar said, "Let's go." Balthazar led Castiel down to the bleachers, but there was still a lacrosse game going on. Balthazar didn't seem to mind, so Castiel followed him. There were some mini bleachers not far off from the larger ones and they settled behind them on the grass. 

"So do you go to school here?" Castiel asked when the silence between them became too much to handle. 

"I do. How about you?" Balthazar replied, still looking at Castiel as if he wanted to eat him alive. Castiel just stared back for a moment, his heart was racing, what if this wasn't such a good idea?

"I go to Lawrence High." He said, and Balthazar was already moving in close to Castiel. It wasn't more than a few seconds later that Balthazar kissed him. He had never done this before, and decided to voice his concern. "I've never don't this..." He said breaking off the kiss.

"What kissed another boy? I could tell right away that you want to. It's okay." Balthazar said leaning back in to capture Castiel's lips. 

"Um, no." Castiel was now breathless, "I've never kissed anyone before now." 

Balthazar looked confused at that. "Never? Oh damn, how old are you?" He was suddenly afraid that Castiel was much younger than he looked.

"I'm fifteen." He said, calming some of Balthazar's concern.

"Oh, god. Good." Balthazar sighed in relief. "I'm sixteen, so it's not as weird as I thought." He smiled a little and out his hand on Castiel's cheek. "Do you want to continue, Cassie?"

Castiel nodded, and it was all the permission he needed. He lunged forward, capturing Castiel's lips and kept pressing until Castiel was laying down and he was on top. He licked and bit and sucked. Castiel could feel Balthazar starting to harden, but Castiel was only half way at best. Balthazar moaned a little into Castiel's mouth, but the kiss was interrupted. 

"Lookit, a couple of faggots!" One voice said, and Castiel immediately moved to shove Balthazar off of him and hide his face but it was no use. Alistair had seen him. There was a group forming around where he and Balthazar stood, so he did the only thing he could think of. He ran. Away from Balthazar and Alistair. Away from the church and their potluck. He ran all the way home.

When Michael asked why he was home early, he said he wasn't feeling well after they brought out desert so he walked home. The next day at school the name calling started.

Balthazar called him the first day. Asked if he was okay. Balthazar had been out for a while, but it was something that Castiel didn't think he could ever do. Michael was clear about what he thought about homosexuality. And Zachariah? He would probably try to smite Castiel where he stood for being so damaged. 

"We don't have to tell anyone," Balthazar said, "I've dated a couple closet cases before. It's not ideal, but we can make it work until you're ready." 

"Okay." Castiel wasn't exactly sure that this was a good idea. He liked kissing Balthazar. It felt better to imagine himself kissing the blond boy than it did kissing Meg or any other girl. But it was just... Okay. There was chemistry, sure. The attraction was there, and Castiel wondered if he had a type. But Balthazar didn't make Castiel think of nothing else. He didn't feel like how the books or movies described love. He figured maybe he could grow into it with time. 

Castiel came back into himself, laying on his bed after the party. Did he really kiss Balthazar? Did that really happen? Or had he imagined it? He knew he no longer cared to date Balthazar. But why was he turning back to him?

Castiel groaned and made another attempt at the water bottle, this time sitting up so he could use the leverage to lift the damned thing and nearly downed it in a few gulps. Then he heard a grunt on the floor next to him. He furrowed his brow in confusion but sleeping on his floor he found Meg, and Lucifer. 

It looked like they had made a makeshift bed out of blankets and an old mattress pad Castiel had put in his closet ages ago. They were completely entwined in each other, Lucifer's arm protectively slung around Meg like it belonged there. Castiel was more than a little confused. Meg didn't seem to think very highly of Lucifer when they spoke. In fact, she never had anything nice to say about him. Well, on the other hand, she never really had anything nice to say about anyone. 

Castiel decided he should gather his strength and go down stairs. Getting out of bed was nothing short of painful. The light made his eyes feel as though they were glowing out of his skull. Each texture, each step, it was too much. There were too many sensations and it was overwhelming. He looked down at his arm where he had injected the drug last night. A purple blue bruise had already formed around the site, and it was good that he had so many pairs of long sleeves. 

As shitty as he felt, he thought he'd like to try it again. 

He walked down the stairs to the living room where Gabriel was already up watching cartoons. It wasn't something they were really allowed, but since Michael was away they didn't care to leave it on the religious channels. "Morning, Bro." Gabriel said, but there was no cheeriness to his voice. Something somber lied beneath it. 

"Good morning. Would you like some tea?" Castiel offered. Coffee was another luxury for when Michael was gone, but they didn't have any in the house. Normally, Castiel would stop by a gas station convenience store to buy himself a coffee before school. 

"No," Gabriel looked like he wanted to say something, but was interrupted by Meg storming down the stairs and exiting through the front door. Lucifer wasn't far behind, and chased after her a little, before coming back into the house and the fury in his eyes set on Castiel. 

"What the hell happened to you last night?!" Lucifer shouted now getting very close to Castiel.

"I don't- I don't know." Castiel managed, usually Lucifer was so calm, so unemotional, it was strange to see him blow up, and it scared Castiel. 

"You don't know? Meg called me to pick you up from that party, do you remember that? Dragging you up the stairs? She said she didn't know what you took, but she was afraid you were going to overdose!" At this point, Gabriel had excused himself from the room. Castiel had no idea what to do.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Castiel? You really want to die so bad?" Then Lucifer was hitting him, punch after punch. Castiel could see blood on his knuckles, he wasn't sure which one of them It came from. But unfortunately for Lucifer, Michael decided to come home early, and watched on in horror as Lucifer beat Castiel. 

It was Michael that tore Lucifer off of Castiel.

"Lucifer, this has been the final straw." Michael said, his voice calmer than it should've been, "Pack your things, you need to find somewhere else to stay. I'm done with your crap." 

"What?" Lucifer looked dumbfounded. He had been in many fights, and had been sent away to one of the foster homes Zachariah had found for him when he was deemed a problem case. This was his final year of high school, so Zachariah had allowed him to return in order to graduate. But Michael had the final say with any goings on in their household. 

"You need to leave. Castiel is ill. He needs to find God, not be pummeled by a large oaf! GET OUT!" Michael's tone was absolute. 

"Fine." Lucifer said, storming the stairs and gathering his duffel bag. "Tell me when you get that stick out of your ass and I can come home, Michael. I'll be staying with Samhain." There was a loud slam of the door, and Lucifer was gone. Castiel laid on the floor, breathing through the sharp sensations of pain and residual drugs. He felt guilty for Michael banishing Lucifer, but he was glad that Michael and Zachariah wouldn't know about his night. There was nothing he could do now anyways.


	6. I Care That You Feel at Home, Cuz I Know That You Feel Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into the lives of Meg and Dean individually. And Sam and Dean just being, well, brothers. You know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided not to wait to post this chapter because I just got a computer so now I don't have to write the rest of this story on an IPad. Comments and kudos always appreciated!

Meg was angry. Angry at Castiel for taking dangerous drugs, angry at her sister for being such a piece of shit, and angry at herself. When she had finally gotten Castiel home, his breathing was shallow and his heart rate was thready. She knew she should probably bring him to a hospital, but she knew how his family was. Still, the thought of losing her only friend scared her more than a little bit.

She knew that Castiel wasn't okay. Not by a long shot. He would tell her all the time how he hated being alive. Normally a little pot and maybe some vodka would help him to seem a little better, but she knew there would be no magic cure for her friend. At least not one she could provide with her vices. He was walking a dangerous path.

And then there was Lucifer. He had been occupying her mind since the other day when he came to visit her at her working grounds. She walked away from the Novak house, wondering why she had freaked out when she found Lucifer wrapped around her. Meandering down side streets and past countless buildings, she found herself smiling at the memory. Lucifer was always cold. It was like he just came in from a snowstorm no matter the time of year. He liked to knit, anything to warm himself. Meg liked the idea that he had sought out her warmth in the middle of the night. It was a strange comfort, feeling like she was needed. For Castiel, he needed her in a visceral way, but Lucifer was all physical. She loved that idea of that.

When she finally reached her apartment, Lilith was gone. There was a note and $10 on the refrigerator, saying: Went out. Won't be home for a while, here's $10 for food or whatever.

She took the $10 and set about making herself some lunch. She had better things to buy with $10 than food. Lilith was often "out," exactly where eluded Meg, but she figured it had something to do with Crowley. That piece of shit. He would feed her drugs until she couldn't walk straight. It was awful watching her decline so rapidly. Lilith was thin and probably what could be considered gaunt. Her eyes were sunken and she always had purple bags splayed under them. She hardly ever got off the couch, save to work at a salon as a receptionist. They never had money. It was always spent on drugs and drinks. 

Meg wandered around her room for a moment. She flopped down on her bed and tried to close her eyes. She loved that she could keep her window open still, but soon it would be winter and she would be freezing in her home. Heat wasn't something Lilith was ever consistent about. She left her eyes closed and tried to think about leaving, going anywhere. But a boy with sandy colored hair kept interrupting her thoughts. His lips were perfect, all she needed to do was lean in and...

Castiel's family thought she and Clarence were together. Well, shit. Lucifer would never buy that she had broken up with Castiel to be with his brother. Especially since she was sure that Castiel would be okay with it. There was no way to get Lucifer without outing Castiel. She stared at her ceiling a while, but eventually let images of soft dirty blond hair and wicked grins lull her to sleep. 

\----------------

As always, the weekend ended too quickly and Monday morning hit Castiel hard. He popped a few Xanax, which he did have a perscription for, and an amphetamine (which he definitely did not have a script for) and headed to school. He was still adjusting to the medication, and definitely not using it as recommended. It was far too much fun to be high at all times, especially since he could get the drugs so easily now.

Throughout the day, he would find places to hide and smoke whenever the opportunity presented itself. He kept his headphones in for the most part, so when he was outside enjoying the sun and listening to "Cigarettes and Alcohol" by Oasis, he was interrupted by his sister.

"Anna!" He frowned, glad that she didn't catch him smoking, even if they both knew he reeked of cigarettes.

"Hey Cassy. I just wanted to give you this." She extended a flyer for the homecoming dance.

"Why are you giving this to me?" He eyed the flyer. This years theme was masquerade. How unoriginal he thought, knowing that it would be fun for all of 5 seconds until everyone started to sweat and took their masks off and all the girls would run off to the restroom to fix their makeup that the masks had effectively ruined.

"I really want to go. Can I tell you a secret?" He eyed her skeptically, but nodded. "There's this boy I want to go with. He asked me to go with him." She waited a moment for a reaction, when Castiel didn't give one, she continued. "His name is Adam and he's sweet and he goes to the church across town and I really like him. But Michael won't let me go without a chaperone. He thinks I'm going alone. So will you come too?"

Castiel sighed heavily. He hated dances and almost everyone hated him. Meg would never go. She hated them more than he did. He thought for a moment, maybe he could get really fucked up before hand. He'd have to ask Meg what drugs she'd be willing to sell him.

He had only been to one other dance, his freshman year. Lucifer had gone with him. A girl named April had been nice to him all night, and they even danced a few times. Castiel wasn't attracted to her, but he liked the attention she had shown him throughout the night. It was nice, and innocent. Unfortunately for him, Azazel had his eye on April for a while.

Azazel watched every time they danced, any time she made Castiel laugh. At first, it started out innocently, Azazel spilled punch on Castiel's lap. But then it got more aggressive. He purposely tripped Castiel. And although those instances were minor, he felt the whole night as if he was being watched.

When Castiel went to the bathroom, Azazel, Dean, and Alistair followed him. In hindsight, it wasn't a good idea of Castiel's to take off his pants to try and get some of the punch Azazel had spilled on him out. But he had, and as he attempted to lightly scrub the sticky mess both off of himself and his clothing, he felt himself being pinned against the wall by Dean.

"Oh Castiel," Azazel started, "You know April and I were going to be coming together to this dance, right?"

"I- I didn't know." Castiel managed. Strong arms still forcing his lithe body against the cool tile of the bathroom wall.

Alistair spoke up next. "Seems like you need a lesson in not taking what doesn't belong to you."

The fist connected with his stomach. It left him winded and struggling to breathe. He felt Dean's hands shove him backwards into the wall, then another punch from Alistair. He was hunched over, still trying to take breath. Another shove from Dean and he hit the ground, hard. A few more punches from Azazel and some kicks from Alistair, one of which slammed his head against the time behind him with a large "crack," and they were gone. Unfortunately, so were Castiel's pants. He had no way of calling Lucifer, since he had no phone back then.

He decided that they needed to go home. Bravely, Castiel walked out of the men's room in his boxers, seeking his brother. He had to meander around dancing students all of whom stopped and laughed. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Azazel with his pants, April by his side laughing with him. It was the first time Castiel really thought that he would like to be dead.

When Castiel finally did find Lucifer, he laughed too. He agreed to take Castiel home. And in the morning when Castiel woke with his pillow covered in blood from where it had made contact with the hard tile and the ugly bruises and cuts he had sustained were angry and dark, no one was laughing.

Castiel shook the memory and looked back at Anna.

"Fine." He said, not looking at Anna's excited expression. "We can go."

She hugged him then, and as fragile as everyone was treating him, it felt almost normal for a split second. He felt almost normal.

\----------------

Dean was more than a little miffed that he didn't have a date to go to the homecoming dance with. Since he played football, he was not only expected to attend the dance but also help set it up the day prior. Not that he minded helping. Jo Harvelle was the head of the dance planning committee at school and she was always good for a laugh. He probably would have asked her to the dance if Gordon Walker, another football player, hadn't already asked. 

He briefly thought that he could still ask Lisa, but it was hard trying to get over her and he knew it would be too much. She had made it clear she didn't want him. 

He laid on his bed staring up at his Led Zeppelin poster for what felt like eternity racking his brain for any other eligible bachelorette to be his date. He thought about asking Rhonda Hurley, but since their fling junior year, he wasn't sure he was into all the freaky stuff she was. The panties had been one thing, but there was more, so much more. 

He could hear Sam bustling in the kitchen, probably making dinner for himself. Dean descended the stairs and ruffled Sam's hair as he entered the kitchen. Mac and Cheese was on the menu tonight, just like it had been for the past 3 days. 

"How ya feeling, Sammy?" Dean asked as he scooped a few noodles out of the pot, popping the steaming pasta into his mouth. They were no where near done, and Dean made a face as he tried to chew the hard pasta.

"I'm pretty good today. I actually slept a while last night so I think I might finally be improving." Sam said with a shrug. Watching his brother suffer so much was hard to bear. Especially when Sam had a hard time knowing if Dean was real or not. He was trying so hard to do what he could, but with their dad absent most of the time and Dean only working enough at the salvage yard to put food on the table and keep clothes on his brother's back, it never felt like enough. 

He had thought about dropping out. Multiple times, really. He somehow found himself weighing the options. He could drop out and work full time at the salvage yard for Bobby, and maybe make enough by the time Sam graduated to send him to college. Or, he could stay in school. As a solid C student, he needed to do sports if he wanted to get into a college and get a 2 year degree. That way he would have 2 years at a higher paying job to put money aside for Sam. It was the best option. Not only that, but he loved sports. He was naturally athletic and took to any game well. 

"You didn't have practice?" Sam asked as he stirred the pasta. 

"Nah," Dean occupied himself with shooting rubber bands and Sam's back, which he resolutely ignored, "I've got a few practices this week but then it's homecoming."

"Since you and Lisa broke up, who are you going to take?" 

"I was gonna take your bitch ass. Duh." Dean said a bit bitterly. It was Sam's first homecoming dance and after all the kid had been through, he deserved some fun. 

"I think I'm going to take Madison Pierce." Sam said carefully.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Just, you know, as friends. But she wants to go and I want to go so...." He stirred the pot more vigorously as it started boiling over. "Can we get masks this week?"

Dean had forgotten that it was masquerade. Everyone was expected to wear a mask, whether homemade or bought from Party City. Dean figured he'd go all Phantom of the Opera and get a cheap white mask. Jo would probably have art students make a bunch for kids who showed up without one. Sam was probably better off just getting a free one there, but Dean agreed anyway.

He didn't mind chaperoning Sam, though he did wish that he had a date. At least that meant that any groups of underclass girls would be easy targets. He could go for something no strings attached right about now. With Lisa still tugging at his heart, he didn't think that he could commit to anymore anytime soon.

Once the Mac and Cheese was ready Sam and Dean sat down to watch some cartoons, play some video games and eat. For the first time in a long time, Sam seemed to be doing really well. He wasn't sure if it would last, but Dean thought it was nice to have his brother back to him. Even if he was heartbroken, at least he had his brother with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is "somebody loves you" by Betty Who


	7. If Tomorrow Never Comes I'm Gonna Stay Forever Young

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So TW for violence in this chapter, also homophobic slurs. I love me a cliffhanger and I have so many Ideas for where this story could go it's ridiculous. I'm thinking it'll still be a few chapters before Dean and Cas actually get together though, so I suppose this is more of a slow burn. Thank you for everyone who has commented and left kudos! I will try not to disappoint!

Castiel wakes on the morning of his 16th birthday with a pounding headache and reaches quickly for the whiskey under his bed. After a few gulps, he sighs and screws the cap on, bundling it up nicely in some extra sheets that are found under the bed, which is otherwise immaculately clean. He then drags himself to the bathroom as the whiskey warms his whole body. He brushes his teeth and swishes some mouth wash to drown out the alcohol stench on is breath. Easy.

He gathers his school work on his desk and looks in his closet for a long moment. It’s my birthday, he thinks. He pulls out a nice shirt. It’s not too nice to wear to school, so he puts it on. It’s blue, a deep navy with sky blue stripes and he can’t say why, but it’s his favorite. He grabs a pair of jeans and pulls them on, eyeing the scars on his legs and stomach. It’s been quite some time since he’s cut there, but that doesn’t mean anything. The ones on his arms of late are still open and sore. He should really change the bandages. 

He rummages around his backpack for a moment until he finds his pencil case. Only it’s not actually, it’s full of assorted drugs with markings on the baggies that let him know what it is. They look like made up symbols, but he knows how to read it. He pops a Xanax and a Percocet for the headache, mostly. He doesn't love oxys, they tend to make him very tired, but half a pill will make his headache go away and with the alcohol it’ll make the room spin just a bit, which he thinks might be kind of fun.

He descends the staircase to find that Anna and Gabriel already left for school. He’s late, but he figures Michael won’t be too upset seeing as it is his birthday. “Good morning.” He greets Michael who has his back turned away from him in the kitchen.

“Happy Birthday, Castiel.” Michael greets, then adds, “I had made breakfast, but you refused to get up for it. There’s some turkey bacon and flax pancakes in the refrigerator for you.” Castiel loved pancakes, but the gluten-free flax seed ones weren’t even close to what he liked. 

“Thank you, brother.” He smiled politely. Michael wasn’t mad, so he counted it as a win. He walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out the plate that had been set for him. He popped it in the microwave and pressed the start button. They wouldn't be as good once they were reheated, he knew. Not that they were that great to begin with. 

“I’ll make dinner tonight, too,” Michael said smiling slightly, “Whatever you want.” 

Castiel knew better than to ask for burgers. That would be gluttony and Michael would probably make him spend his sweet sixteen in a chapel. So yea asked for the next best thing, “If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like those kale chips you make and some fried spaghetti.” He knew that Michael would put tofu in it, but sometimes he would use beef broth and it was probably Castiel’s favorite food that Michael made. So much better than that quinoa and butter squash “surprise” he favored making. Castiel wasn’t sure what the surprise was, just that he didn’t like it.

“Will Uncle be joining us?” Castiel asked as he plunged the fork into the pancake and tried not to let the texture completely overtake him with nausea. 

“No. Uncle is in upstate New York for the next 8 weeks.”

“Okay.” Castiel was more than relieved. Good. Maybe everything would go well for him today. He finished his breakfast in a hurry to make his way outside. Once out in the open air he began to notice that the sky looked ominous. Large black clouds loomed over head and Castiel briefly considered asking Michael to drive him, but thought better of it. Michael was a busy man, after all.

As he walked along his normal route he felt faint raindrops at first. Soft, whispers on his skin, but becoming increasingly rough. He still had about 3/4 of a mile to go to get to the school’s parking lot and probably another quarter of a mile to make it inside. Soon he was drenched, soaked to the bone as the rain made it hard to see.

Castiel was disoriented. He had taken this route so many times, but with the heavy rain and the crack of lightning, he wasn’t even sure he was going the right way. He took a few steps to the side, into the road, to avoid a puddle that was threatening a flash flood. Thats when he heard the car horn blaring.

It scared him, and before he knew it he lost his footing and somehow he ended up in the giant puddle, the car pulling over. The rain was beginning to let up, and he could see the silhouette of a big black car. Everyone knew that car. It was as infamous as the boy who drove it. Dean Winchester.

It took Dean a moment to get out, apparently fixing an umbrella he had found in the beast of the machine he called his car. Castiel made no attempt to get up. The last few interactions with Dean had been good, but that didn’t mean much. He knew that Lisa and Dean had broken up not too long ago, and he had been a short fuse since. He even went so far as to beat up an underclassmen for accidentally shoving him into a doorframe on their way to class one day. 

“Hey, man,” Deans voice came hard through the now dissipating but still incredibly loud rain, “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.” Dean offered his hand and castiel looked up at him, indecision in his eyes. 

“Hello, Dean.” He said, giving up his internal struggle and taking Dean’s hand. 

“Look, I am really sorry. The rain just picked up suddenly, I’m lucky I didn’t hit you.” Dean said once Castiel was up, holding the umbrella over both of them.

“It’s okay, Dean, I was already soaked when you found me. Next time do me the favor and actually hit me.” He said it in a joking manner, but Dean’s expression grew into something unreadable.

“Well, how about I give you a ride in, anyway. Least I can do.” The offer was wonderful, and Castiel really didn’t feel like walking in his sopping wet clothes, but he looked down at himself, wondering if Dean was just being polite and actually wanted him to turn down the offer.

Seeming to sense his indecision, Dean opened the passenger side door for him. “C’mon.” he said, and waited patiently until Castiel got into the car, shutting the door behind him.

“So,” Dean said once situated in the drivers seat, folding the umbrella away and tossing it carelessly into the back, “I don’t think you’ve ever been late before, have you?”  
“I’ve been late a few times.” Castiel shrugged, “Though mostly because of doctors appointments or things of that nature.”

“So what’s your excuse today?” Dean teased, just trying to make conversation.

“It’s my birthday. I didn’t feel like being alive. So I took my time and took some… Medication… And now lo and behold, I feel ready to face the day.” He said sarcastically, staring out the window. The smell, Dean’s smell of cedar wood and fels naptha, was somehow incredibly comforting. Castiel felt a warm rush of safety and belonging that he couldn’t quite place. 

“Sorry your birthday started out so shitty.” Dean said, snapping him back to reality. 

“It’s okay. My family is incredibly religious. We don’t celebrate birthdays, I’m told just to thank God for creating me and keeping me alive another year.” Castiel rolled his eyes. 

“That sucks. You don’t get anything? No birthday presents?” Dean asked, frowning.

“No. Michael will normally make a dinner that we request on our birthday but that’s as far as it will go. Gabriel and Anna might get me a card. And Lucifer, well, when we were younger he used to save up his lunch money and bring me home a bunch of those little gumball-machine toys you find at the grocery store.” Castiel found himself smiling at the memory. Back when Lucifer tried to look after him. Back when Lucifer didn’t treat him like a freak…

“What about other holidays? Like Christmas?” Dean couldn't contain his curiosity any more. 

“No. We fast before Christmas. We have to go 36 hours without eating before Mass on Christmas Eve. Then when we get home, after midnight, we can eat. Usually Michael has something prepared and we stay up late singing hymns and watching religious sermons on the television.” 

“That sounds like the opposite of a good time, Cas.” Dean said, hardly hiding the disgust in his voice.

“We’re devout.” Castiel said, feeling defensive. He might not agree with every teaching, but he did believe in God. And how he or his family chose to practice was his own business. 

“I’m sorry,” Dean said trying to backtrack, “I didn’t mean how it sounded. It’s cool if you’re into the whole religion thing. It’s just hard to imagine never getting a birthday present or a Christmas gift.”

“I suppose it’s strange for me to think of getting anything simply because it’s the anniversary of my birth.” Castiel shot back, though not in contempt.

“Well we’re here.” Dean said as he pulled the massive car into a tight parking spot. He got out quickly, not bothering to grab any sort of backpack. Castiel was painfully aware of just how soaked he was. He knew that he had a change of clothes in his gym locker, since he was bullied enough times to know that it was wise to keep some clothing on him at all times.

“Thank you for the ride, Dean.” Castiel nodded and stared, perhaps a little too intensely at Dean, who seemed to reciprocate the intensity. 

“No problem, Cas. Look, you’re on my way so ya know,” Dean said rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, “If you ever find yourself in trouble and need a ride…”

Castiel just stared with a furrowed brow and tilted his head slightly to the side. Why was Dean being so nice to him? He was never kind. Only recently had he become half decent and he still had a long way to go for all of the times that he had shoved Castiel into a locker or assisted his teammates in giving Castiel a beating. They weren’t friend. Castiel didn’t think they ever could be.

After a long moment of staring, Dean finally seemed to get the hint. “Anyways,” he said, “Hope your day gets better. And, uh, Happy Birthday.”

“Thank you, Dean.” Castiel said cautiously. 

————————

When Castiel finally made it to school he immediately went to change his clothing. He kept a bag of a few t-shirts and a couple pairs of jeans in his gym locker. Luckily, 2 out of the 3 shirts were long sleeved. Although it was incredibly warm still, he pulled the shirt over his head and slipped on a new pair of jeans in the boys locker room. He walked over to the mirror to try and do something with his hair as well. it never seemed to want to cooperate, so he gave up fairly quickly.

Heading to his second period class, since he had missed first, he noticed a sound coming from the gymnasium. He knew he should just keep going, but he knew that swimming was this month’s module for gym class, so there was no reason for anyone to be there. He poked his head in to find Azazel, with Alistair and Gordon Walker, cornering a boy that Castiel knew could only be a freshman. Steeling himself, he walked in.

“Hey,” He called to the group of senior football players who were smiling and laughing as they ripped pages out of the underclassman’s notebook. 

“Oh look it’s out favorite, Fagstiel.” Azalea called upon seeing him.

“Leave the kid alone.” Castiel said, his voice not betraying the thumping of his heart in his chest. 

“Mmm, no can do, cock lover.” Alistair piped up, a wicked grin on his face.

“I said,” Castiel was now walking toward them, positioning himself between the underclassman and the three seniors, “Leave. Him. Alone.”

Gordon looked over to Azazel, who gave him a small nod with a smirk, and before Castiel could really tell what was happening, he was receiving punch after punch to the stomach and face. 

“You shouldn’t get involved in matters that don’t concern you, Fagstiel. Or do you just like to follow us around all day? Hmmm? You pervert.” Alistair spat as he picked Castiel up and slammed him hard against the wooden floor. Castiel’s vision was swimming, he had hardly had enough time to heal from the last beating he took outside of the bleachers. He wasn’t sure he could handle this one. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the young boy dash away. Good, Castiel thought, better me than you, kid.

Another hard hit against the wooden floor and Castiel’s vision went black, his headache from this morning now threatening to spit his head in half.

Another hit and that was all he felt.

 

———————

“Shit.” Gordon said looking down at Castiel’s mangled body. There was blood all over the gym floor. 

“Is he breathing?” Alistair asked, uninterestedly.

“Barely,” Gordon confirmed.

“Okay,” Azazel said, his voice completely calm, “You two are going to bring him out to the woods behind the school. Make sure he’s buried with leaves and dirt so no one sees him. I’ll make sure that no one is watching.”

Gordon was the only one of the three that looked concerned at all, “But it’s raining pretty heavily out. What if he isn’t found, theres a lot of blood here…”

“Then there will be one less abomination in this world to have to worry about.” Alistair smirked, grabbing Castiel’s legs and trying to hoist him into a ball trolley. “We can use this.” 

When the two boys got outside, Castiel was still bleeding heavily from the wound in on his head. They positioned him face down in the dirt. Unsure whether or not he could breathe. Gordon made sure to cover him with leaves and dirt and as Alistair was walking away, Gordon turned Castiel’s head slightly so that his airways were clear. 

It rained long after school let out and into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJGf4-OJxCg  
> The chapter title comes from Yesterday by David Guetta


	8. How To Save A Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry to leave you all with sort of another cliffhanger. This chapter will be a bit longer than my previous ones. I really like writing angst, if you couldn't tell ;D First and foremost comments and kudos keep me going. I smile like an idiot every time I get the notification in my email! So a huge thanks to everyone who has left a comment or kudos on this fic :)
> 
> I am currently unbeta'd so if you're interested in being a beta let me know. I'm not 100% sure what a beta does, so it's cool if you just want to help make sure my spelling is correct or to give me ideas for where you think you'd like the story to go. I've got a few fixed Ideas that this story will develop, and so I do urge you to mind the warnings. 
> 
> Also, I know what I know about the medical stuff mostly from watching TLC, House, and Scrubs. Let me know if it's way off if you know about this kind of thing!

Dean had spent all of first and second period thinking about the car ride with Castiel that morning. No birthday gifts? That sucked. When Dean was young, before his mom died, he used to have all kinds of fun birthday parties. He had one once at a museum dedicated to medical knights and armor and stuff like that. And he could remember looking at the mountain of toys wrapped in bright wrapping paper that awaited him. 

After his mom died, he didn’t have anymore birthday parties. His friends would all get him things, though. Every year, Jo gave him a knife to add to his collection, as she had a pretty great collection herself. Benny would always surprise him with something he needed but didn’t know it. Last year he had received a watch with a fitness tracker built in. And Sammy, well, Sammy got him things that he could use immediately. Oil for his car, candy bars, that sort of thing wrapped up in the cartoon section of a newspaper. Dean knew that Sam would save his lunch money to buy those things, so Dean made sure to pack a lunch for him every day in addition to giving him some cash.

Dean thought about Lucifer, and how he would save his lunch money up to bring Cas little surprises, and it made his heart ache. It wasn’t unknown that the brothers weren’t close anymore. Dean didn't know the specifics, but he felt bad about the fact that Cas was never shown that little act of kindness anymore. He decided he should do something about it.

When the bell rang for 3rd period, Dean had Study Hall so he knew he wouldn't be missed. He and Castiel were in the same gym class, so they had lunch at the same time at fourth period that day. Dean decided that he would run down to the diner during third period and pick up some burgers and fries for himself and Castiel, as a birthday treat.

He sauntered over to his car when he heard someone calling his name. 

“Dean!” Sam yelled through the now drizzling rain. Sam ran over to his brother quickly.

“Whatcha doin’ out here Sammy?” Dean asked as Sam got closer.

“We were out studying trees for my Environmental Science class. I saw you walking over here, are you cutting again?” Sam asked, giving Dean a bitchface that clearly meant he disapproved.

“Nah, I’ve got study hall his period and thought I’d pick up some burgers for me and Cas.” Dean said, brushing his brother off.

“Cas? Cassie Robinson?” Sam asked, last he knew she was a vegetarian.

“No, no. Castiel. Novak. It’s his birthday today and I guess they don’t celebrate ‘em so I figured I’d go get him a little treat. You know. No big deal.” Dean shrugged, studying the way sam made a confused face.

“You and Castiel are friends now? I thought you hated him?” Sam asked incredulously, not sure what to make of the situation.

“I dunno, man. We’re not friends exactly, I nearly hit him on my way to school this morning and gave him a ride in because of the rain. You would’ve known that if you’d let me drive you instead of waking up at the crack of dawn to work on that dumb English project that isn’t due for another month.”

“It was the only time my group could get use of the art room for the project, and don’t change the subject.” Sam scowled, “You’ve never even been remotely nice to Castiel. What gives?”

Dean let out a long sigh. It was still hard to talk about, but he knew Sam wouldn't let it go if he didn’t. “Remember a couple months back when you had a really bad flashback and I brought you to the hospital?” Sam nodded in response. “Well, Cas was there. He, uh, he hurts himself. And I dunno. Something changed. Remember that kid Max who killed himself last year? Just after graduation?”

“Yeah,” Sam said confused, “What does he have to do with anything?”

“Well I hardly knew the guy but I had a few classes with him. I still think about him sometimes. And even though we weren’t friends it’s… It’s uncomfortable. It’s hard to explain. I just don’t want Cas to be next. It’s not like I’d necessarily miss him, but I feel a little responsible after all the shit I put him through his freshman year. I didn’t know he was hurtin’ so bad.” Dean shrugged.

It was hard to place the emotion. It wasn’t quite loss, for Max. Not like he had felt the loss of his mother. It was just a feeling that something was still missing. Something that would never come back. Max had been nice to Dean. He would sometimes let him use his notes if Dean was out for a day. Although they never really talked it still squeezed at Dean’s chest with a sadness for his death. He thought about Cas and the bandages on his arms. All of the times He, Alistair, and Azazel jumped him after school. Dean felt sorry. He wanted to make it up to him. He knew how hard it was for Sam, and it killed him that he could’ve attributed to someone feeling such despair. It wasn’t right.

Sam gave Dean a small nod and pulled him in for a tight hug. “You’re a really good person, Dean.” Sam said as he released his brother, giving Dean a toothy grin before walking off.

“Yeah, well don’t get used to it, bitch!” Dean said, smiling as the warmth the affection Sam had shown him was blossoming in his chest.

“Don’t be such a jerk!” Sam jeered.

Dean was still smiling as he slipped into the drivers seat of his car. He would get himself and Cas some burgers with all of the fixings. It was the dawn of a new day, and Dean had the change to get things right.

—————————

When Dean arrived back at school, third period was just ending meaning that his and Cas’ lunch would be starting any moment. Walking toward the school, he smiled a little to himself when the bell rang and students started filtering the hallways slowly making their way to their next class.

When Dean arrived in the cafeteria, he didn’t see Cas. It wasn’t a lunch many of his friends had. Just a new girl that Dean had talked to a few times named Charlie. She wouldn’t miss him if he sat with someone else. 

Dean waited for what felt like an eternity, not seeing Cas anywhere. Finally, after settling down near the cafeteria doors so he could wait for Cas, he saw Meg walk in with a scowl on her face, eyes trained for Dean. 

Meg walked over quickly, almost inhumanly so. Next thing he knew, Meg was right up in his face. “So where’s Clarence, Dean. And I don’t have time for your bullshit.” She said in a deep, menacing voice that somehow still sounded incredibly sexy.   
Dean took a moment to gather himself before responding, “What do you mean, where is he? I could ask you the same question.” He huffed.

“I saw him get out of your car from my first period class window, Winchester. You were the last one to see him and he hasn’t answered any of my calls or texts. What did you do to him?” She seethed, giving him a look that threatened to kill him right then and there.

“I didn’t do anything to him. I nearly hit him on my way to school this morning and gave him a ride because it was so rainy someone should’ve begun building an arc.” Dean said quietly, sincerely.

“You’re lying. It’s his birthday. Can’t you lay off him for one day?” She spat.

“I am not. I wanted to do something nice for him for his birthday so last period I ran out and grabbed us some burgers. I was sittin’ here waiting for him.” 

“Why should I believe you? You’ve never been anything but a douche to him. And you just expect me to believe that you’ve changed? Nice try, but I’m not buying it.”

“Look, all I know is that he was fine when I brought him in. He said something about heading to the gym to get some dry clothes. That’s the last I heard from him.”

“Whatever. I don’t know what game you’re trying to play but Clarence doesn’t need this shit in his life. He’s having a hard enough time as it is. Go screw, Winchester.” And with that, she turned and walked out of the cafeteria, rounding the corner towards the gym.

That what I get for trying to be a nice guy. Dean thought. Though he was a little worried about Cas.

When the bell rang, Dean threw the second burger away. 

He walked over to the gym, and since he was sitting so close to the cafeteria exit, he was the first one there. He walked in to see Meg, staring at the laminated wood floor. Dean slowly walked over. Getting closer, he could see she had a hard expression on her face. He looked down to where she was staring and his breath caught in his throat. 

Blood. A lot of it. 

Even though it looked like someone had tried to clean it up, Dean stared at the dark stains that littered the floor. He knew to look of a blood stain. He’d seen it on the hardwood at his home before…

“Any chance he just decided to cut and go home?” Dean whispered, a shard of hope amongst a dark truth.

The question earned Dean a glare. “No. He would’ve told me.” She muttered.

“Okay. First things first, we need to find him.” Dean said, trying to strategize.

Meg’s eyes were glassy, tears threatening to form, but she remained stoic. There was, undoubtably, a lot of blood. She nodded miserably.

—————————

After fifth period, Dean found Azazel. He was sitting and laughing in the cafeteria with Gordon Walker, and how Dean could’ve ever considered such a low-life to be a friend was beyond him. Azazel never travelled alone. He always had an entourage of at least a few students and Dean could see scattered faces around the cafeteria vying for the attention Azazel gave. 

It was one of the pitfalls of popularity. You were never really alone and everyone wanted to know your business. 

“Well hello, Deannie. What can I do ya for?” He smirked as Dean approached. They were still friendly, though Dean hated every time he had to sit through a conversation with the other boy or listen to him ramble on about his master plans for after high school. He would talk like he was going to start some sort of army, a revolution. That he would be a big-wig and he’d be able to get anyone do whatever he wanted. Dean never paid much attention to the specifics, but he did know that a world run by Azazel was about the farthest thing from a good thing.

“Oh not much,” Dean said trying his best to be casual, “I was wonderin’ if y’all saw Castiel Novak around today. We were partnered for a project and I think he’s trying to skip out on me.” He shifted a bit nervously, but it didn't seem noticed by Gordon.

Azazel studied Dean closely. Too intently. “Hmm, can’t say I’ve seen him in a while. But here’s some free advice, don’t be worrying over that partner of yours. I don’t think he’s gonna be able to collaborate on that one.”

There was something about the way Azazel said it that told Dean he knew more than he was leading on. “Right, Well if you see him tell him Dean Winchester is lookin’ for him.” 

“Will do, Cap.” Gordon piped up. A neutral expression on his face. Gordon was never one to really wear his emotions out, but the cold stare he sometimes got made Dean think he could be some sort of sociopath.

“Catch ya later, fellas.” Dean gave a halfhearted wave and started to walk away. Something was very wrong. He could feel it in his bones. They knew where Castiel was, Dean was sure of it, but it wouldn’t do him well to come right out and ask. Azazel was slick, and he’d make sure that whatever happened could be covered up. 

———————

Meg searched around the school, checking in any open lockers that looked big enough to fit an almost 6 ft thin boy. She looked in janitors closets and even little-used men’s restrooms, as well as all of the girl’s bathrooms in the school. Finally, she headed to Garth.

“How’re you today, Miss Masters?” Garth chimed, a silly grin on his face. By now Meg was shaking. 

“I’m not so good,” She said, but knew better than to tell Garth that Castiel could potentially be hurt, for fear he would call Michael and let slip one of the conversations she knew Castiel sometimes shared with him. Garth wasn’t a psychologist. He said that he wouldn’t say anything to anyone unless there was a threat to the student or other students, but he wasn’t legally obligated not to tell Castiel’s guardian he was gay. Meg couldn't take that chance. “Have you seen Castiel Novak at all today? I need to talk to him.”

Garth’s expression grew soft and understanding. “No, little missy, I haven’t seen him at all today, but…” Garth said moving to grab something from his desk, “When you find him will you give this to him? Just a little birthday surprise, it’s not much. And please don’t say anything about it to anyone. Technically I’m not supposed to do this, but I know he’s a good kid and I just wanted him to know he’s got support.”

Meg took the small package. It was incredibly light, and Meg looked down at the bright wrapping paper, a little confused. “Sure thing…” She said, she hadn’t known that Castiel spoke to Garth so much to leave that sort of impression on him, and that made her sad in a strange way. He was hurting and there wasn't anything she could really do about it. She nodded at the gift, it was an incredibly kind gesture. 

“And Miss Masters, you know if you ever need to talk, I’m always here. It’s my job to help, lemongrass.” Garth was smiling again, and she gave back a weak smile as she turned to leave. 

She had to find Castiel. 

—————————

After last bell, Meg found Dean walking back to his car in the parking lot. “Dean!” She yelled, trying to catch his attention amount a sea of other students eagerly pushing and chatting. 

Dean turned around, meeting her gaze. “Meg. What’s up?”

“Jack Squat. I still can’t find him. Dean, I’m worried.” She frowned. Her usual steady voice a few octaves higher and her voice shaking slightly. 

“Yeah, me too. Look, why don’t you call his parents and see if he has actually gone home, okay? He could’ve already been found and taken home. We don’t know anything for sure.” Dean was good at this, directing, leading, keeping his cool. Unfortunately, Meg was also dominant and very good at leading.

“He doesn’t have parents,” Meg spat out. “And I’ll swing by his place to see if he’s there, but I doubt it.”

“Okay, well here’s my number,” Dean said, writing down his digits on a scrap piece of paper. “I have to bring my brother home and make sure he’s fed and whatnot, but if Cas isn’t home then we can come back around 6:30 and continue to look for him, okay?”

“What if he’s hurt, Dean? I know you know something,” her voice dropped dangerously low, “If he’s not okay I will personally destroy everyone on the football team that was ever a dickhead to my friend. Including you. And I know how to make it look like an accident.”   
Dean stared at her. There was no doubt in his mind that she was connected with rough and rowdy sketchy characters. He didn’t want to get involved with that. He knew she meant business. “Okay. I talked to Azazel. He had something to do with it, I’m sure. We just have to figure out what he did. Maybe we should tell a teacher what’s going on.”

“No.” Meg glared. “If Castiel’s family finds out he was in a fight again, even if it’s just him getting the shit beat out of him, his uncle will have a conniption. He could be sent away. We need to find him. He can stay with me when we do.”

“Okay.” Dean said, defeated. “We’ll do it your way.”

———————

Sam was having his friend, Barry Cook over for dinner so Dean drove them all home. Barry was a good kid, a bit geeky, but very sweet. Dean noticed that the kid had a black eye. It wasn’t unusual. Barry was always getting picked on by upper and underclassmen alike. Dean shrugged it off and put the car into drive. The two younger boys giggling in the back seat about something that happened that day.

Once home, Dean went along fixing dinner and keeping an eye on the boys trying to keep his mind off the situation with Castiel. It wasn’t like he really cared about the guy. He was just getting to know him. He didn’t owe him anything. Close to 6:00, he got a call from Meg.

“So are you gonna help me look for Castiel tonight or what?” She asked curtly. Obviously Cas wasn’t at home.

“Yes, Meg. I’ll be there at 6:30. Let me just make sure that Sam and his friend have everything that they need for the night.” Dean said and hung up, wishing for the gratification of slamming the phone on to it’s base like in old movies.

“Was that Meg Masters?” Barry asked timidly. It took Dean a moment to register that Barry was, in fact, speaking to him.

“Yeah. We’re not really friends but I need to help her with… something… at the school. Tonight.” Dean scrambled. He didn’t want to tell Sam and Barry what he was actually doing.

“Is Castiel Novak okay, do you know?” Barry looked down, refusing to make eye contact with Dean.

“I dunno,” Dean said carefully, “Why wouldn’t he be?”

“Promise not to tell anyone if I tell you?” Barry asked, his eyes full of fear. Dean had always been nice to him, but he knew that Dean had run with Azazel and the guys from football for a long time. 

“Dean won’t say anything, Barry,” Sam piped up, his puppy dog face putting his friend at ease.

“Okay, well, Azazel and Walker and Alistair, they were all picking on me. That’s how I got the shiner. And Castiel, well, he kinda stepped in and stopped them from picking on me…I got away, and I ran to hide behind the door until they left, but I could see…” Barry’s voice grew quiet, “And they just kept hitting him. He was bleeding… They put him on one of the ball trolleys and brought him outside. He wasn’t moving at all…” Barry was crying now, wet tears streaming down his face. Sam came over and pulled him into a strong hug, letting his smaller friend sob into his shoulder for a moment.

“Why didn’t you tell someone?” Sam asked quietly, in a non accusing way, like he already knew the answer.

Barry collected himself for a moment before answering, “I din’t want to be next… Castiel is older, stronger than I am. If they could do that to him…” Barry broke down again, sobbing and letting Sam hold him.

“Okay, I need to go find Cas then. Any idea where they might have taken him?” Dean interjected between Barry’s sobs.

“The trolley was muddy when they came back in, so probably down by the lake, in the woods.” Barry said miserably.

“Alright. Thanks, I’ll be back once we’ve found him.” Dean said wearing a hard expression.

Sam decided to ask the question that Dean didn’t want to think about. “Dean, what if… I mean… Have you prepared yourself for what you might find?” Sam released Barry and asked him to go get a drink of water. “It’s been a whole day in the freezing rain,” Sam continued once Barry was out of earshot, “Oh god, what about Gabe and Anna if Castiel is…”

Dean grabbed his brother and gripped him in a tight hug. “I’m gonna find him, Sammy. It’ll be okay.” Sam just nodded in response. 

Dean grabbed his jacket and a flashlight as well as a first aid kit. Now that he knew what he was looking for and a general where, it made it easier to prepare. He knew that Castiel could very well be dead. He found it hard to picture his bright blue eyes suddenly glazed over and lifeless. The thought made him shutter as he put his Led Zeppelin cassette and played his favorite song. 

Once he arrived at the school, he grabbed the duffel bag he had packed with the first aid kit and a flashlight for himself and one for Meg. Meg was already there, holding an umbrella, which Dean hoped she would let him stand under as well. 

“I have an idea of where he might be.” Dean said, an eerily calm expression on his face. “But Meg, Sam’s friend saw what happened, he said it was pretty bad. I just… If we find him and he’s not… Well, I’ll handle it. Okay?”

Meg furrowed her brow, she looked scared, and worried. The thought that Castiel might not be okay hadn't really crossed her mind. “Dean, don’t say that…” She whispered, and took out a flask from inside her coat. She took a long gulp and offered it to Dean, who accepted. The whiskey burned going down but made him feel warm even in the cold drizzle. He handed her a flashlight and they began to scour the grounds.

 

It seemed like they were there for hours, barely speaking a word, though every now and again Meg would steal a sip out of her flask. Finally, in a remote area down by the lake, Meg noticed deep indentations in the mud that were too deep for the rain to completely wash away.

“Dean!” She called, frantic.

Dean ran over, stomping on the wet ground to get over as fast as he could. He noticed that Meg was tipping her flask completely upside-down as she finished the last of the whiskey she had. It was too much, and she was so thin. He wondered why she hadn’t thrown up yet. “Dean look,” She said, her eyes unfocused, pointing at the deep ridges in the ground. 

“He’s got to be around here.” Dean said, looking at his phone. It read 7:53. The sun had long since set and now it was completely dark. Dean knew they had to find Cas soon, it was supposed to get below 40 degrees and he knew that if there was a chance that Cas was alive, he wouldn’t survive the night. 

After about another 15 minutes of searching, Dean noticed a pile of leaves and dirt by a low hanging pine tree. As he approached, he caught a glimpse of what looked like a hand, dirty and covered in pine needles. He reached out and when he felt something solid, he rolled the body over to discover Castiel. His face was dirty and bruised, and as Dean trailed his flashlight over him to check for broken bones, he saw that some of the leaves around his head where he had been laying were covered in blood. 

“MEG! Over here! I got him!” Dean yelled, then pressed his ear against Cas’ chest to check for a heartbeat. He wasn’t sure there was one, so he took out his knife and held the blade under Cas’ nose. To his relief, he could see his breath on the blade.

Meg stumbled over. When she got over to Dean she had a look of pure horror on he face. “Is he…” She asked in a little more than a whisper.

“He’s breathing. Don’t touch him. Here,” Dean held out his phone, “Theres no service, go over toward the bleachers and call 911. He’s got a head injury.”

“Okay,” she said, walking quickly over back toward the school.

A few minutes later, the paramedics arrived. Meg directed them over towards Dean and Cas. Dean had known better than to try to move the smaller boy, but he did cover him with his leather jacket to try and warm him. The paramedics lifted Cas onto the stretcher and put his neck and head in a stabilizer. Dean didn’t miss how pale he looked, how close to death he really was as the EMTs cleaned his wounds and began to bandage him as they moved. Dean matching their quick pace. 

Once they got to the ambulance, Dean found Meg with tears in her eyes at the sight. “Dean,” She said, firmly, “I’m nauseous, and it’s not the whiskey. I need to go get myself together. I’ll meet you at the hospital. Will you ride with him?”

Dean was momentarily annoyed at the suggestion, he and Cas weren’t friends. He shouldn’t have to ride to the hospital for a kid he barely knew. But one look down at Castiel’s limp body, the ghostly pallor he was sporting as the paramedics hooked him up to IVs and oxygen… Dean couldn’t say no. “Okay.” He nodded, the annoyance completely gone from his face as he stared at Cas. “Meet us there.”

Meg gave Dean a quick hug, afterward looking disgusted and said, “Let’s never do that again. Way too weird.” 

“Agreed,” Dean shot back, not missing a beat, as he climbed into the back of the ambulance to ride to the hospital.

Dean hated ambulances. They were too claustrophobic and he had been in enough for a lifetime. He didn’t have very long to focus on his hatred for the medical wonder on wheels, however. As Castiel’s body started to heat, and his heartbeat became more steady, he started bleeding again. Dean suddenly felt very small, when he caught a few words like “Shock” and “Blood Transfusion.” 

From what Dean could make out, Castiel had brain trauma. His brain was swelling in his scull and the pressure could cause his injuries to worsen. They were close to 5 minutes away from the hospital, and suddenly Castiel started to seize. All of the machines were beeping and making horrible sounds. Dean could only sit and watch. He thought, for a moment, that Castiel wouldn’t make it to the hospital. When Dean turned to look, the heart monitor was a flat line, beeping one long drawn out noise, as one of the paramedics grabbed the paddles. She yelled, and after the shock, they started pumping at his chest. Dean could hear the snap of bones, probably fractured from the beating and now fully breaking. “One, Two, Three, Again!” She shouted, removing the manual air tube and getting out of the way so the other paramedic could administer another shock. 

Mercifully, a rhythm appeared back on the heat monitor, as they arrived at the hospital’s emergency bay. Dean hadn’t realized he’d been holding his breath when he finally exhaled. His palms were sweaty, he felt heavy all over and a little dizzy from the strong smell of the sanitized implements. Castiel was still alive, if only barely. 

Dean had seen enough injuries in his time to know that the next 24 hours would be critical. He knew, because of Sam, that Castiel would spend some time in an ICU until they stabilized him. And judging from what he knew of Cas’ injuries, he’d probably be in the hospital for a few weeks if his cognitive function wasn’t damaged. 

The thought occurred to him, Castiel might not be the same. He might have permanent damage. Even if he did survive the next 24 hours, there was no guarantee that he would be able to function, much less wake up. Suddenly, Dean felt incredibly guilty. He knew Cas was a target for bullies, he had been one himself. He could’ve taken a few extra minutes out of his day to walk Cas to his gym locker. To tell Azazel to quit picking on Barry instead of letting Castiel take a beating for the underclassman. He could’ve prevented Castiel’s attack, if he had only taken a little more time with him on his birthday, no less. 

Once they got into the emergency room, Dean had to stay in the waiting room while Cas was taken for treatment. Looking down at the boy, skin now burned from the paddles in places he was still wet from the rain, ribs bruised and broken, bloody and pale and looking so far from life, Dean felt something protective in him. Something that made him want to stay with Cas, no matter what. Forgetting himself for a moment, he leaned down and pressed a kiss to Castiel’s forehead, in a very loving and protective fashion. Much like he had done to Sam after the fire that nearly claimed his brother’s life. Once Cas was wheeled away, Dean paced around the waiting room for a while, waiting. He wished for a moment that Meg had come too. Her presence may have allowed him to keep his masculine facade. He might not have started crying like he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this chapter comes from this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40W6Dm3K_Bk


	9. If I Told You What I Was, Would You Turn Your Back On Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Medical terminology and implied potential rape. One of the characters mentions it, as a form of torture in hell, and it's not even close to explicit, but just be safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look at me! Adding a few chapters in the span of a few days! Don't get used to it, I'm afraid, I've just been having a lot of fun writing these last few chapters. Again I try to post on either Mondays or Tuesdays, so check back on those days if you follow this story.
> 
> I am still UnBeta'd so if you're interested just let me know. 
> 
> Again thank you all for the comments and Kudos. I'd love to hear what you think of this story and any constructive criticism is always welcome.

Meg had to calm herself down. Looking at her friends seemingly lifeless body was too much for her to handle. The world began spinning. She need air, she needed to breathe. She was panicking. That was it, she was panicking as her best friend needed her. 

She tried to gather herself but still found that all she could do was take shallow breaths. Her heart was racing, she wanted to cry, wanted to scream, but all she could do was run. She ran through the cold rain, puddles soaking her shoes down to her feet. Her jeans now soaked as well. The cold rain stung on her warm face. She kept going, for miles, easily. 

She finally arrived, drenched, to the house she was looking for. She walked up to the door, barely remembering how she got there in the first place. She took a moment to compose herself, and then knocked with force. 

A boy, with long dark brown hair and light eyes, came to the door. “Samhain,” she breathed, trying to get the words out, “I need to speak to Lucifer.” 

Samhain nodded and allowed her to step inside. The house was small, but nice. Samhain’s family had died in a car crash, but thanks to the insurance settlement and life insurance policies, he did pretty well as an emancipated minor. He would turn 18 in a few months. His house was a mess, though. Pizza boxes scattered around, beer cans lying on the floor. It must be hell for Lucifer, who was always so tidy and neat. But it was a warm place to stay, and Samhain had plenty of rooms to spare.

Lucifer walked out shirtless, just wearing some sweatpants. He took one look at Meg and as soaked as she was, he pulled her in for a tight hug as she sobbed into his shoulder. “Shhh,” he soothed, “now, what’s the matter?”

She took another moment before replying, “It’s Castiel.”

————————

Dean had been waiting about 45 minutes when the thought to call Sam occurred to him. He pulled out his cell phone, flipped quickly through the contacts until he found one labeled “Bitch.” He pressed the send button and rubbed his face. He was cold, now that he had some time to sit and the adrenaline wore off. Sam picked up on the third ring.

“Hello?” Sam said.

“Sammy, it’s me.” Dean replied, his voice soft and small.

“Dean! What’s going on? Did you… Is Castiel…” Sam said in a hushed tone. Barry must be around.

“I found him. He’s hurt bad. We don’t know if he’ll pull through, yet. I’m not family, so they won’t tell me anything.” Dean was a little annoyed. No one seemed to be looking for Cas besides Meg. His family hadn’t seemed to interested or worried in his disappearance, if no one thought to go check the school. What did they think happened to him? There should be police trying to find out as much information as possible, his guardian should be here, with Dean, worrying about him. But no one was there. Dean wondered if they even knew, if the hospital had contacted them. Dean didn’t even have Cas’ number, never mind his family’s. 

“Oh god,” Sam said in a sad whisper, “I hope he’s okay.” 

“Yeah, me too.” Dean said miserably. There wasn’t much he could do. “I’m gonna stay here until somebody can give me a ride back to my car. I went by ambulance with him. Might be a while, though. Do your homework. There’s snacks and stuff. Barry can stay over if you want.”

“Don’t worry about me, Dean. I’ll be fine. Just do what you can for Cas.” Sam said, and Dean knew he was getting the puppy dog look even over the phone.

“Thanks, baby brother. I’ll be home as soon as I can.” Dean hit the “end” button and sighed. How did he get to this point? He hated Cas not even a few months ago. Here he was, however, sitting in the emergency room waiting room at 10 at night waiting for someone to tell him anything. Anything at all. 

A doctor had appeared a few times, the first time asking if Dean was family. “I’m his cousin.” Dean said, and the doctor, Dr. Barnes as her embroidered lab coat stated, eyed him suspiciously. 

“He’s not out of the woods yet.” She said as she came back into the waiting room, “But he’s been stabilized. I can’t give you anymore information without his parent or guardian present, but I did want to let you know.”

“Thank you, Doc.” Dean said, his eyes welling with tears once more. He was so relieved. He still blamed himself a bit for Castiel’s condition. He still felt he could have prevented this, if only he had known. Doctor Barnes turned to walk away when something came over Dean, “Uhh, Doc?”

“Yes?” She said, flipping through her chart. 

“Do you think, Umm, do you think I might be able to go and see him? He should have someone there, you know?” Dean wiped the tear threatening to fall away from his eye. He could remember when this was Sam. Of course, the moment that Sam was stabilized, Dean was by his side, holding his hand. He’d deny it if anyone ever mentioned it, but he would do small things for his brother like comb through the younger boy’s singed hair or kiss him gently on the forehead, like their mother used to do. He would sing “Hey Jude” softly, matching the steady beeps of Sam’s heart monitor as tempo. He had the overwhelming urge to do the same for Castiel. This, he knew how to do. He knew how to take care of people who had been hurt. He knew from experience. Not that it made it easier.

“I’m sorry, I know you mean well, but until his parent or guardian gets here, I can’t allow anyone in the room. Maybe you should see what’s taking them so long.” She raised an eyebrow at Dean, if he were truly Castiel’s cousin, he would be able to contact his family. He just nodded. 

“I tried,” he lied, “No answer.”

“Look, just hold tight. If he wakes up he can choose who he wants to see, until then, you’re gonna have to wait for his family.” She said with a tone of finality. 

“Okay, thanks, Doc.” Dean replied defeatedly. He just wanted to see him. He hoped that Castiel’s body was back to human color. He was always pale due to the fact that he wore long sleeves, but in the places that the sun did kiss, he nearly glowed. Dean tried to think of Castiel as he had known him. Dark lashes contrasting his deep blue eyes, soft looking, but always chapped, lips. He hardly grew enough facial hair to shave everyday, but Dean thought about how he could always see just a hint of stubble just under the skin. Dark. Like his mess of hair that seemed to stick up at all angles. Images of Castiel, covered in blood, his face angry shades of purple and blue and yellow. Of him lying there, under Dean’s jacket, cold to the touch and hardly breathing. The soft, relaxed features, as if he was merely sleeping, but the bluish tinge to his skin and lips telling a very different story. 

Dean decided, in that moment, that if Castiel survived this, he would do everything he could to make up for his past actions. He would personally assure that Castiel was no longer a target for bullies, that he would act as his goddamn body guard if need be. Dean knew that Cas didn’t deserve to suffer like he had. He needed a friend, and not one that fed him drugs to try to ease the pain.

————————

Meg nearly collapsed in Lucifer’s arms. Sobbing into his shoulder and holding him as tightly as she could. “What’s the matter with Castiel?” He said, his voice soft and soothing in Meg’s ear. 

“He was beaten,” She choked out a sob, “They tried to kill him… Left him for dead. What the fuck?!” She was now yelling, screaming her voice raw as sobs wracked her body, “How could they do that!? They’re no better than he is, they’re worse than he is! Homophobic Assholes!”

Meg hadn’t meant to let the last part slip, it had just sort of happened, but Lucifer tensed up. Too stunned to speak, Meg pulled away slowly, eyes wide as she held her breath. “Castiel,” Lucifer said, brows furrowed together, “Castiel is gay.”

Meg didn’t answer. She already felt horrible for Castiel’s current state. Now outing her friend? She wanted to run again, to grab some of the cocaine that Lilith kept under her bed and just spend the rest of her life blissed out. It was so much harder to deal with things sober. It was what she deserved, to become a coke whore just like her sister. That’s all she’d ever amount to. She would become a junkie. That was it. 

Lucifer kept frowning, but he finally opened his mouth to speak. “Castiel is gay.” He said, stating this as a fact. “Huh,” he said and slowly, a smile began to form on his lips. “That explains a hell of a lot.” 

“No, He’s not, we’re together, remember?” Meg tried to save face, but knew she was grasping at straws. If Lucifer told Michael, and word got back to their Uncle, she knew that Castiel would be sent away. He was hurt, maybe dying in a hospital, if not dead already. He shouldn’t have to wake up to find he was being sent away. If he woke up, she reminded herself bitterly.

“We need to get there before Michael does.” Lucifer stated quickly. “C’mon, I’ll drive.” He said, grabbing the keys to a mean looking pick up truck. “Sai!” He called to Samhain, “My brother needs me, I’m taking the truck!”

With that they were out the door, Meg cautiously awaiting Lucifer to make a comment on the new information. “I’m his medical proxy,” Lucifer stated once they were on the way to the hospital, “He assigned me as his main one when he got his tonsils taken out a few years ago. He probably knew that he would face torment even then…” Lucifer sighed sadly.

“Lucifer,” Meg started, “Please, just don’t…” She had tears running down her face again, hot and wet against her still cold skin, “Don’t hurt him.” The last part came out as more of a whisper.

“Hurt him?” Lucifer asked, turning to Meg, “No, no, no. I don’t want to see him hurt anymore. I didn’t know…” Lucifer let out a long, deep sigh as he gathered his thoughts to continue. “I thought that Castiel just liked to piss me off. Everything he did. Michael thinks he has him under his thumb.”  
They turned on to the highway before Lucifer continued, “Honestly, I thought Castiel was looking for more attention with the whole cutting thing. I know now that it’s wrong, but we were all so hurt after Dad left. And he acted like such a perfect Christian boy around Michael. Attending church functions and going to church even during the week, I though he was just trying to make the rest of us look bad. Michael has strong feelings about homosexuals.

“He’s told us before that Homosexuals will burn in hell. That every time a man lies with another man, there is a permanent black mark on their souls. Condemning them to hell, and no amount of repentance can save them. That if they lie together, that will be punishment for all time in Hell. Torture. That the devil will take them the same way they love. 

“I used to think that Castiel just liked being Michael’s bitch, now I get it. He’s brainwashed. And I thought that him dating you was just another way to spite me. He knows, I think, how I feel about you.” Lucifer looked back over to Meg, who was blushing lightly. 

“Lucifer…” She whispered, drying her tears with her shirtsleeve. 

“It’ll be okay, Meg. Everything will be okay, now.” Lucifer nodded, unsure of whether it was to himself or to her.

They arrived to the hospital in good time. It was close to 10:30 now, and as soon as she saw him, Meg ran over to Dean.

“Has anyone said anything,” She asked cautiously, noticing Dean’s tear stained face. But the tears were now dry. 

“They came out about 20 minutes ago to say that he’s been stabilized. They couldn’t tell me any more than that.” Dean said, looking over to where Lucifer was standing. “What is he doing here?”

“Lucifer is Clarence’s medical proxy. He can find out what’s going on.” She said, trying to keep her tone casual, but she still felt a bit dizzy.

“Okay,” Dean said, calming himself a bit. “I never thought I’d say this, but, I’m glad you’re here.” 

“Likewise.” She answered in a slightly sarcastic tone, but smirked enough for Dean to know she was kidding. Dean had never particularly liked Meg. The whole school pretty much knew that she was where to get the best drugs. He had bought pot from her a couple of times for parties, though he much preferred alcohol to weed. It felt strange, sitting next to her, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Lucifer was allowed immediately to go in and see Castiel, he spoke to the doctor in a hushed way, and for a long time. When they finally finished their conversation, he walked back over to Meg and Dean.

“So she said they relieved the pressure by draining some fluid out of the base of his skull. He’s on a lot of anti-inflammatories, which will also suppress his immune system a bit. He’s at the highest risk of infection right now. As long as he doesn’t contract meningitis, they think he’s gonna survive, but he does have pneumonia, which is going to be hell for him if he wakes up because he’s got 3 cracked ribs. His wrist and shoulder blade are broken on the same side, probably from hitting a rock when they dumped him. She said…” Lucifer took a moment to compose himself. “She said he flatlined in the ambulance. I’m going to kill the bastards that did this to my brother.” Lucifer stated in a calm and collected manner that only Lucifer could.

“What about his guardian, are they coming?” Dean asked, clearly annoyed that no one in Castiel’s family really seemed to give a shit about his current state.

“Michael thought he was with you, Meg. I told him I was here and since Castiel is 16 now, he is medically emancipated, meaning that because I am his proxy, I can take care of all of this crap. He doesn’t need Michael to be here. Michael says he will pray for him, and let Uncle Zach know whats going on but he might not be able to get home for another two weeks. It’s just me.” Lucifer said, defeatedly. 

“Let me know what I can do.” Dean said immediately. He needed to do something. How heartless could Castiel’s family be. He understood logistically why, but it seemed so… Soulless not to come and just _be there_.

“Actually, if maybe we could take turns sitting beside him. I don’t want him to wake up and have no one there. He’s depressed as it is. He should know that he’s got support.” Lucifer said, with conviction in his voice. Dean was quickly gaining more respect for the other senior.

“I’ll take the first watch,” Meg said, “Come back in a few hours after you’ve changed, Dean. And Lucifer get some sleep. You look like shit.”

Lucifer smiled, he did look tired, and Dean wondered if perhaps he had just gotten home from work when he heard the news. Dean looked down at himself, he had gotten his jacket back but it was covered in dirt. He needed a shower. And to check on Sam. 

“Lucifer,” Dean said, “Would you give me a ride back to my car? It’s still at the school.”

“Of course.”

They walked out to the Hospital parking lot as Meg walked into Castiel’s room. Dean felt bad, he wanted to stay, really, but he knew he needed to take care of himself as well.   
“Dean,” Lucifer said as he hauled himself into the giant truck, “Thank you for saving my brother. If you hadn’t found him…”

“Don’t mention it.” Dean stated, he didn’t want to think of what could’ve happened if he hadn’t found him when he did. “I used to be just like those asshats that did this to him. I’m sorry for that.” He said with his eyes fixed on the road. 

Lucifer nodded. “Still, thank you.”

The rest of the ride was spent in silence.


	10. Is It Any Wonder I'm Tired, Is It Any Wonder That I Feel Uptight?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW for implied child abuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So There's still a bunch more that needs to happen for Dean and Cas to finally be together. I'm sorry. I kinda love dragging it out. <3 sorry! I'm still UnBeta'd, if you're interested, hit me up! Also Comments and Kudos make me stay passionate about this story. I love it!

Castiel laid on his bed, his father kissing the top of his head and asking if he wanted him to read “The Hobbit.” Castiel loves that story. He nods eagerly and grabs the hard-copy book from his nightstand, handing it to his father. “Father,” Castiel says, “Will you start from where Bilbo meets Gollum in the caves? Where they do the riddles?” Castiel asked in a small voice. He liked the chapter name “Out Of The Frying Pan and Into The Fire” for some reason. That chapter had trolls, he thought, as his father began to read. Castiel’s father read in a screechy, breathy voice for Gollum, but a softer, sweeter voice for Bilbo. Castiel could hear a beeping.

…Beep…Beep…Beep…

Castiel sat on his bed, staring at his hands. He could still hear a faint beeping, becoming a metronome for his Uncle Zachariah’s voice. “No mother, now no father, God must be punishing you children. Have you sinned recently, boy?” Castiel bit his lip. He had stolen Lucifer’s gum. He knew it wasn’t his, but he figured he’d just get Lucifer a gumball the next time he was brought to the convenience store down the street. 

“I stole from Lucifer, Uncle.” Castiel said miserably. 

“What did you steal?” Zachariah asked as Naomi stood to grab something.  
“Gum.” Castiel said, almost too quietly to hear. 

“Okay.” Naomi said, standing with a wooden paddle brush. “Turn around.” …

…Beep…Beep…Beep…

Castiel laid on his bed, all tucked in. His Uncle sitting on the edge, “Goodnight, Castiel.” He said in that horrible voice of his. 

“Good night, Uncle Zachariah.” Castiel said in a sing-song way. Zachariah reached out and gently placed two fingers on Castiel’s forehead. Castiel closed his eyes on instinct. That meant it was time to sleep, and not to make any noise or he’d get the paddle brush, or worse, the belt.

Castiel was brave, however. “Uncle,” he asked in a quiet breath, “Would you read me ‘The Hobbit’?”

Zachariah’s expression grew cold. “I will not tolerate that kind of satanic malarkey in my home. And now that you live with me, you will not go seeking anti-religious filth anymore. Read the Bible. Revelations is fascinating.” He said with such venom, Castiel was afraid his words would whip out a belt and beat him senseless…

…Beep…Beep…Beep…

“You’re weird.” A young girl said. She couldn’t have been older than 9. 

“I know.” Castiel said back. He frowned at her for a moment before she smirked.

“People say that I’m weird too. Wanna go play?” She smiled, and Castiel felt so happy that someone wanted to play with him at recess.

“Sure.” He grinned a wide smile.

“I’m Meg. I just moved here from Massachusetts. What’s your name?”

“Castiel,” He said shyly. 

“Okay, Castiel. Here’s the game. I’m gonna be a devil, and you’re gonna be an angel, and ya gonna have to try and smite me! Catch me if ya can!” She yelled and ran as fast as she could away. Castiel knew she was special. He’d never had a friend before.

…Beep…Beep…Beep…

Castiel was caught off guard by the shove. The boy who shoved him was so much bigger, to Castiel, he looked like a man, though he was probably just a senior. Castiel tried to stand from where he had landed on the floor of the freshmen hallway, by his locker. 

“You can’t get up until I SAY you can get up.” The larger boy said, earning Castiel another shove, his ankle twisting beneath him as he lost his balance again. 

Castiel dropped his head, in middle school some of the other boys liked to slap the back of Castiel’s head as they walked by. It was a game for them. They’d wind up and give him hard smacks that would sometimes leave his neck sore. They would get bored and move on, though. This was different. This was high school. “May I please get up?” Castiel asked in a small, cracking voice. 

"No," The older boy smirked.

Castiel huffed, he would be late to class if he didn’t wrap this up soon. He’d hoped the boy would’ve gotten bored with him. He didn’t seem to be concerned with tardiness. Castiel pulled himself onto his feet, standing. A moment later, he felt a sharp burst of pain in his eye and his vision went black. When he opened his eyes again, he was once more on the floor and the older boy was shaking his hand back and forth, trying to shake out the pain of the punch. “I said you can get you can get up when I say you can get up.”

Meg arrived shortly after that, telling the boy off and threatening to tell the school he has a small dick if he ever hurts Castiel again. They begin their walk home. 

“I’ve got something to help with the pain,” She said, biting her lip.

“Like tylenol?” Castiel asked.

“No, Clarence. I’ve got some weed.” She said still not looking at him.

“Okay.” He said.

“Really?” Her eyes went wide, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, lets do this.” Castiel answered, knowing if his uncle caught him he would probably get the belt.

“Okay,” She said as she pulled out her bowl and packed it with some of the weed she had in a small baggie. They were surrounded by trees, and she led them into the woods along a nature trail by the main road.

They stopped at a large rock and climbed on top. Meg took a lighter and put the piece to her lips, breathing in deeply as she held the lighter to the bowl. She held her breath and after a few moments, breathed out. “Do you want to talk a hit yourself or do you want to shotgun?” She asked.

“I’d like a hit.” Castiel said, unsure of exactly what to do.

“Okay, just take a small on your first time.”

She handed Castiel the bowl, and he did just as Meg had. He felt the thick smoke down his throat and a tightness was felt throughout his lungs. He breathed in, as deep as he could, and tried to hold it like she had. It was too much. He exhaled in a coughing fit, feeling like his lungs were still filled with smoke. He couldn’t breathe, he thought maybe he was dying. Meg was patting him on the back, “Wow, Clarence, I wasn’t expecting you to take such a huge hit your first time!” 

After several long moments, Castiel started to feel like he could breathe again. But the unpleasant tightness persisted in his chest. When he was offered the bowl again, however, he didn’t refuse. He felt heavy, like gravity had increased, and his eyes felt tired, like when he tried to read a book late at night. But his eye didn’t hurt anymore.

“I love you, Meg.” He turned to her, the sunset streaming through tree branches surrounding them. 

“I love you too, Castiel.” She said, and she kissed him on the cheek. There was something in her eye though. Like she wanted more. He knew he couldn’t give it.

“You know that I like boys, don’t you?” He said, staring up between the trees at the streams of light.

“Yeah, I do.” She said and rested her head on his shoulder. He put his arm around her, and just sat there.

…Beep…Beep…Beep…

Castiel could hear pieces of conversation. Lucifer’s voice. “…Right, but when do you think…”

Meg’s voice, “It’s been a week… Isn’t there anything else…”

Another deep, husky voice he couldn’t place “…Cas gonna make it?…”

Things came into focus very slowly. He now knew that the beeping was a machine, and could hear it clearly. His eyes were heavy, he tried to open them for a moment, but couldn’t. Again he tried, his lids fluttering and his sight being assaulted by stark white. Once his eyes were open fully he realized that he wasn’t alone. Dean Winchester was sitting beside him, sleeping in the chair beside the bed. He tried to clear his throat, only to discover a tube in his mouth. He tried to move his arm to wake up Dean, but he found it immobile, casted and in a brace against his chest. He slapped at the side of the bed, desperately trying to escape the wires and machines he was hooked up to. 

Dean woke with a start to Castiel’s banging. “We need a little help in here!” He called out to the hallway. Then he came back to Cas, who was using his good arm to continue to bang and was making a noise Dean guessed might be a scream if it weren’t for the breathing apparatus.

A nurse came in and removed the tube from Castiel’s throat, as a doctor shined a light in his eyes. “Okay,” she said, noticing the pained noises Castiel could finally make, “Let’s hook him up to some morphine, and call his brother. Now, Castiel, do you know where you are?”

“A hospital.” He replied in a loud whisper, voice weak from disuse.

“Do you remember what happened?” She asked with a sympathetic look on her face.

“No, I… All I can remember is… Is today my birthday?” Castiel asked. He could remember laying down on his bed after texting Meg after school. It was Wednesday. His birthday was Thursday, the next day. He remembered going to bed, but not waking up.

“Your birthday was a week and a half ago.” Dean said sadly. 

“What happened?” Castiel asked, in a weak voice, but Dr. Barnes shook her head.

“We can give you the run down after we do some tests. State your full name.” She said, scribbling on her chart. 

“Castiel Emmanuel Novak.”

“Whats the month and day of your birth?”

“September 18th.”

“Where do you live.”

“77 Pleasant Street, Lawrence, Kansas.” 

“Okay,” She said, still scribbling. “You have a pretty severe concussion, A broken shoulder blade, arm, and some ribs. You were pretty touch and go for a while but I think you should be okay now. We did have to drain some fluid from your head and you may be sore in the back of your neck from it for a while. If you start to feel dizzy or faint please let someone know. Also you may experience some short term memory loss. Hopefully it will pass.”

Castiel frowned. Memory loss? He had a concussion? How? He searched his mind but came up blank. “What day is it?” Castiel settled on, now addressing Dean.

“It’s September 30th. Tuesday.” Dean supplied, looking confused as to why Castiel had asked that. 

“And what time?” Castiel asked weakly. 

“It’s about 3 in the afternoon, 2:53 to be exact.” Dean frowned as he supplied the information.

“If I have a concussion I could be losing time, which could be dangerous.” Castiel said, relaxing against his pillow and closing his eyes, a grimace on his face.

“You wanna know what happened?” Dean asked, still confused as to why that wasn’t Castiel’s first question when Dr.Barnes left.

“I got the crap kicked out of me, right?” He looked over to Dean, “I can assume that because you’re here, either you partook in my beating and felt guilty enough to bring me in, or you took pity on me if you found me and took me here.”

Dean gave Castiel a pained look, “I didn’t beat you up,” Castiel seemed to relax at that bit of information, but only slightly, “On your birthday it was raining, I nearly hit you with my car and you were soaked so I offered to drive you in. You told me your family didn’t celebrate birthdays.” Dean decided to add the last part for credibility.

Dean continued, “When you got to school, you went to change and you saw a freshman getting beat up by Azazel and his gang. You stepped in, and…” Dean found it hard to continue, to relive that day. But Castiel looked at Dean as if he was telling a fascinating story. “So you took the beating. They, uh, they left you for dead outside in the rain.” Dean didn’t look up, he couldn’t meet Castiel’s eyes. When he finally did place up, Castiel wore a somber expression.

“You found me?” He asked, though it didn’t sound like a question.  
“Me and Meg,” Dean nodded, “Yeah, just in time, too.”

Castiel had an unreadable expression on his face. “You shouldn’t have tried so hard, Dean.” 

“What? What are you talking about Cas? How about a ‘thank you for saving my life’?! What the hell?”

“You’re a good person, Dean. You are. I’m not. I deserve it. And if…” He dropped his eyes, a wetness starting to blur his vision.

Dean had dealt with Sam enough to know not to continue to yell at Cas, even though his whole body ached to do it. “What is it Cas?” He tried to keep his tone neutral, though he suspected some edge bled through.

Castiel took a deep breath, “If they had killed me, I might’ve still been able to go to Heaven. If I kill myself, I can never seek penance for that sin, and I’ll go to Hell. Though I’m not sure that Hell could be much worse than this.” He closed his eyes tight and let the tears fall. 

“Don’t talk like that, Cas. We got you. You’re safe now.” Dean pleaded, unsure of how to respond.

Castiel looked over to where Dean sat, and threw him a pained look, “You can’t save everyone, Dean. Though you try.” 

Dean wasn’t going to let Castiel give up that easily. He surprised himself, when he grabbed Castiel’s hand and held it tightly in his own. “You’re gonna get better Cas. I swear. You’ll get better.” 

Dean said it with such conviction, for a moment Castiel believed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, if anyone is interested in following me on tumblr, I am prosthetic-face (http://prosthetic-face.tumblr.com)  
> though I don't usually post much Destiel, I do post some Supernatural stuff and a bunch of crap that should make your day a little brighter :)


	11. I Am A Master Hunter...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter will be in two parts. (Hence why I'm using the same song for chapter titles.) And... *drumroll please* These next two chapters will be when Cas and Dean get together! Sort of! YAYYYY!!!!
> 
> Much more angst to come, so yep. I'm also going to add some additional tags when I can.
> 
> Again, I still have no beta, so if you're interested then hit me up! And my tumblr is prosthetic-face, though I don't post a ton of destiel. I'm thinking of making a side blog just for my destiel stuff.

The days wore on and Castiel was finally released from the hospital. Lucifer picked Castiel up, asking what he wanted to do. “I just want to go home, Lucifer.” He frowned.

The next few weeks would be imperative. He was having some trouble reading and he wouldn’t be able to focus his eyes for a long time, making studying difficult. He also had some trouble seeing in the dark, as well as anything too far away. Dr. Barnes had said that there was a lot of swelling in his occipital area, the part of the brain that controls sight. She was optimistic that no permanent damage was done, and that he should be back to normal in a few months. He was given some anti-seizure medication to take once a day for good measure, as well as some painkillers in case he got migraines. He idly wondered if he should sell it or test his limit with it. He decided to do neither, feeling to weak to be properly high, but using the medication as directed did take the edge off. 

He had been out of school for 2 weeks and a few days, and needed to get back on track. Lucifer drove him home in amicable silence, until Lucifer broke it. “I’m not staying there.”

“What?” Castiel asked, “But what if Michael finds out about me…” Castiel and Lucifer had some time to speak about Castiel’s preferences, and Lucifer was oddly accepting. He told Castiel that no matter what, they’d always be brothers, and to try not to let Michael’s homophobic rants to bother him too much. He had held Castiel as he sobbed, so relieved for the warmth and acceptance of someone, ANYONE.

“He won’t. You’ve gone this long.” Lucifer answered. “You only have two more years of high school. Just survive that and then you can go to Massachusetts for college and Michael never has to know. And whatever you do, DO NOT pester Zachariah. If he sends you to one of those homes…” Lucifer shuttered, Castiel never asked Lucifer what happened at his stint at one of his uncle’s rehabilitation houses, but Castiel was sure it wasn’t good.   
“Okay, I’ll try.” Castiel nodded, his thoughts drifting elsewhere at the onset of a headache. The strangest thing had happened to him, he thought. Dean Winchester was concerned about him. Genuinely. It was odd, Castiel knew that Dean was straight, but his soft features and pink lips made Castiel a little crazy. After the day that Castiel woke up, Dean spent most of the night in his hospital room, holding his hand. It was a small comfort, but one that Castiel had needed. 

Lucifer parked in the driveway, noting that Zachariah’s car was there was well. “Okay, Castiel,” Lucifer said, his eyes cast straight ahead, as if he was strategizing, “Just tell them you don’t remember the attack.”

“I don’t remember the attack.” Castiel shot back, annoyed that Lucifer felt the need to tell him how to hide who he was to his family when he had been doing that all along. 

“I know. Just… Please, be careful. Call me if you need anything.” 

Castiel nodded and headed inside, where Michael and Zachariah awaited him.

“Hello Brother,” Castiel greeted Michael, then turned to Zachariah, “Uncle.” 

“Castiel,” Zachariah spoke, “I am glad to see you feeling better. However, I do wonder what sins you must have committed to bring this upon yourself. God is punishing you. I expect you to go to Penance this Friday night.” Castiel had long since stopped telling Uncle directly what he had done. He knew it ended in the paddle brush or the belt, but going to Confession was an easy way to avoid physical confrontation. 

“Does that mean I don’t have to chaperone Anna to the dance on Friday night?” Castiel feigned innocence. 

“You will go to Penance before. Then you will chaperone Anna. And don’t get smart with me, Castiel.” Uncle hit the table with his fist, which made Castiel who was in his still vulnerable healing state, jump and wince. 

“You will obey me, Castiel. I don’t know why you need to act out like you do, but I will beat the disobedience out of you if necessary, do you understand?”

“I Understand.” And with that, Castiel walked up to his room, feeling heavy and alone.

————————

The next few days passed easily and Castiel seemed to be improving every day. He still hd some trouble seeing in the dark and occasionally he would feel dizzy trying to read, but overall the headaches began to subside and he could even comb his hair over the patch in the back that they had to shave to relieve the pressure at the hospital.

Dean would sometimes pick him up on his way to school with his brother, Sam. On Friday morning that was the case. Castiel had pulled his overcoat on, as it was now getting cold a few weeks into October. He could see his breath as he walked along, until he heard the rumble of an engine. 

Dean rolled down the window and shouted to Castiel, “Hey stranger, need a ride?”

Castiel smiled a little bit. He was planning on smoking weed behind the dumpster with Meg, but she had been occupied with Lucifer most of the week, so there was no guarantee that she would be there anyway. Castiel nodded in acceptance and climbed into the shiny black car. “Thank you, Dean. Hello, Sam.”

“Hey Cas!” They chanted in unison, to which dean immediately pinched Sam sating “Jinx, you owe me a coke!” and Sam groaned.

“How old are you?” Sam asked, still smiling. 

“So Cas,” Dean changed the subject, “How’s your first week back been?” Dean hadn’t been hanging around Cas, per se, but he had noticed if anyone was trying to give him trouble and had shut that down real quick. If Castiel wasn’t safe at school, he wasn’t safe at all. 

“Oddly good.” Castiel replied. “I haven’t been shoved into lockers or had my books knocked out of my hands all week. Though I did find a sign that said ‘Fag-stiel’ on my back, it could’ve been worse.” 

“Those guys are such jerks,” Sam said, frowning. “You’re a better person for putting up with the crap you do, Cas.”

Castiel looked away. He didn’t believe that. He was living in sin just because of who he was and he deserved to be punished for it. “Thank you, Sam.”

When they arrived to school, Castiel saw Meg and Lucifer. They looked so happy. Castiel looked over to Dean. He would give anything to have what they had with Dean. His strong arm wrapped around Castiel’s smaller frame, holding tightly, protectively, as Lucifer did with Meg. But Dean was straight. He was on the straight and narrow, and Castiel was just a weird gay kid who had more bullies than friends. 

Castiel caught Meg’s eye and walked over toward the couple, throwing a quick “Thanks for the ride.” to Dean. Meg and Lucifer were still pressed closely against each other, every now and then Lucifer would place a kiss to the top of her head, and Castiel would imagine what Dean’s lips would feel like against his own. He had to stop, nip this in the bud. But how could he?

Dean broke away as well, heading to sit with the other athletes to talk about sports and games and things that “normal” popular kids liked. Castiel wished, briefly, that he had been athletic. He was always a good runner, but when he had tried out for the team he was bullied so severely that he had to give it up. And that was before anyone knew he was gay. 

The day passed slowly and by lunch time, Castiel had found Meg again, this time without Lucifer. They smoked some weed down by the bleachers and since Castiel still had some Oxy, he popped a few of those too. He was good and high. The Oxy made him sleepy, but the weed gave him a little energy, as well as the redbull he had been given from Meg. Everything felt good. He suddenly wanted to do smack again, though he still wasn’t sure exactly what it was. But that overwhelming feeling of happiness and comfort that it gave him didn’t compete with this little high. Although the crash had been catastrophic.

A few hours later and the bell rang. Castiel hardly remembered doing anything after getting high with Meg, and wondered how he had gotten to class as he didn’t recall walking there. 

Castiel and Meg walked home in amicable silence, bumping into each other lightly as they walked. Castiel finally spoke, “So you and Lucifer,” Cas wasn’t sure what he should say in this situation. He knew Meg was a bit of a heart breaker, and that Lucifer like to play the field and normally had at least a few girls on call. As his brother, Castiel wanted to tell Meg not to hurt him, but as her best friend, he wanted to tell Lucifer not to hurt her. Castiel was more concerned that if things went south, Meg wouldn’t want to be his friend anymore. 

“Don’t worry your pretty little head, Clarence. I really like him, and he likes me. You’re still my number 1, though. No matter how this turns out. Okay?”

“Okay.” Castiel smiled as she kissed him on the cheek. 

————————  
Instead of going home Castiel had to go to confession, as his uncle mandated. Walked into the church and waited in line, patiently. There were a few people in front of him, so he began his Rosary Prayer in one of the pews.

He went around the Rosary, reciting with the colored beads.

Hail Mary, Full of grace, the Lord is with thee.  
Blessed are you amongst women,  
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God,  
Pray for our sinners,  
Now and at the hour of our death  
Amen. 

He repeated the Hail Mary with the beads between his fingers, until they found a larger bead, then he began to recite the Our Father.

Our Father,  
Who art in Heaven,  
Hallowed be thy name.   
They Kingdom Come, Thy Will be done,  
On Earth as it is in Heaven.  
Give us this day, Our daily Bread,  
But forgive us our trespasses,  
As we forgive those who trespass against us  
And lead us not, into temptation.  
For thine is the Kingdom, and the power and the glory,  
forever and ever,   
Amen.

He went around the Rosary, a Saint Michael’s rosary. And when he came to the large bead with a carving of Michael the Archangel, he said the 3 Our Fathers, honoring Archangels Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael respectively. Then on the fourth, he recited his Our Father, then a special prayer to Castiel, the angel he assumed would be his Guardian. 

Castiel, if you’re listening…  
I could use some help.   
I feel like I wasn’t meant to be, like my existence is wrong.  
I am a sinner, I can’t help my feelings.   
I just need a sign, something, to let me know I’m on the right path?  
That things can get better.  
I haven’t actually prayed in a long time. Not a real prayer at least, just a thanksgiving before meals and bedtime prayers. I still believe there is a God…  
But then I am angry, I guess, at God.  
Why did He make me this way?  
If I was a mistake, then is it really a sin to end my life?  
I’ve wondered, while I was in the hospital, if maybe you were looking out for me.  
Maybe you didn’t let me die in the woods by the school.  
Maybe the reason I’ve never quite been able to cut deep enough…  
Is that you’ve got a purpose for me?  
I want to believe that.  
But then why am I told that who I am is an abomination?  
Does God really hate people who fall in love with other people?  
Was I just designed broken?  
Will I go to Hell anyway, even if I remain a virgin forever?  
Is it a flaw in my makeup, in who I am?  
I need a sign. I need something, anything to tell me that I am on the right path.  
Please.   
Amen.

Castiel wiped tears away from his eyes, it was his turn next, and so slowly he sat in the confessional booth and tried to compose himself. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“And what have you done, Child?” Said Father Raphael. He was Zachariah’s best friend, but under oath not to say anything to anyone. It was one of his Holy duties and Castiel knew no matter what, he wouldn’t say anything.

“I’ve been having… Lustful thoughts.” Castiel said, sniffling a little.

“Lustful? Have you acted upon them?” Raphael’s voice was deep and smooth.

“No, no. But it’s not just the lust that I’m worried about. I figure I’m a teenager, hormones make it pretty hard not to feel lust occasionally, though I try my best to stay away from it. It’s who I’m feeling lust for…”

“And who would that be?”

“A boy at my school.”

“You’re having homosexual thoughts, Castiel.”

“Yes. I think… Well, I know. I am homosexual.”

Raphael’s tone seemed to change. “Have you lied with another man?”

“No,” Castiel said apprehensively, “not yet.”

“But you think you will?”

“I think it’s likely. I can’t imagine being with a woman.”

“Then you need to leave, Castiel. Don’t ever come back. You are no longer welcome on these Holy grounds.” He yelled, “Get out! And pray for your damned soul!” 

Castiel was running, tears stung his eyes, he ran home to get ready for the dance. At least that was something to look forward to.

————————

Castiel put on his dress pants and a nice button down shirt. He tied his tie, as well. Since it was cold he also pulled on a sweater, and buttoned it. He combed his hair, but it stayed messy, so he ran his fingers through the front to stick it up a little more so it looked like he did it on purpose. He pulled on his mask, it was a silver color with gold intricate patterns around the edges, and black feathers amongst silver ones sticking out of one side. It was beautiful, if not a bit girly. Anna had bought it for him.

Castiel walked down the stairs once he was dressed and decent. Anna was standing, looking radiant in a pastel mint green colored dress that fell just above her knees. The spaghetti straps probably would’ve gotten her a speaking to, if it weren't for the fact that she wore a sheer, lacy embroidered cover up in a rose gold that matched her mask perfectly. Her red hair was curled and tucked into a rose gold headband that matched the shall. The feathers on both sides of the mask were white and gold. She looked stunning.

Castiel smiled at Anna, and n return she gave him a hug. “Thank you for doing this,” She whispered, “I know you’re still not feeling great, but I really appreciate this.”

Castiel quirked his lips in a small smile. He was happy to be able to do something good for once. To make Anna happy. She pulled him over and began to straighten his tie, which he had accidentally put on backwards. She smiled back at him, “You look wonderful, Castiel.”  
“And you look beautiful, Anna.” He replied. Michael insisted on taking a few pictures and, to Castiel’s relief, Zachariah was no where to be found. 

After the pictures were taken, Castiel extended his arm for Anna to take, stabilizing her in her heels. “Shall we?” He asked? She smiled widely and grabbed her coat. He did the same, happy that there was still a small bottle of whiskey hidden in his trench coat, that Meg had given him. 

They walked together to the school, Anna smiling the whole way, but Castiel started to feel anxiety rise in his chest as they approached. If Azazel and Alistair tried anything tonight, it’s likely they would kill him. Or he’d end up with permanent brain damage. He was scared, but he couldn’t let that show. 

Since they arrived early, Castiel had time to plan an escape route, but almost immediately Anna found Adam and left Castiel on his own. The dance was pretty slow going, and the ringing of Father Raphael’s voice resonated in Castiel’s mind. He wasn’t allowed back in church. How could he explain that to his uncle or brother?

He ducked into one of the music rooms and opened the whiskey he had. He took a long swig and searched his pockets for any drugs. He found a baggie full of pills, but he wasn’t exactly sure what they were. Probably M1. He thought for a moment about snorting them, he would get a better, faster high, but the whiskey in his system was already making him feel a little dizzy, so he swallowed a pill and washed it down with a gulp of whiskey. 

Soon, everything started feeling slower, more enjoyable. He relaxed into the seat to enjoy the high. Everything started to get better, it wasn’t as intense as the Smack he had tried, though. He longed for it. He wanted, needed, to do it again. To feel that again. Another few gulps of whiskey and he started humming lightly to himself. 

————————  
Dean hated going to dances, but he especially hated going without a date. He didn’t bother dressing up, just pulled on a decent pair of jeans and his red t-shirt with a flannel over it. He rolled the sleeves up, because it would be too warm in the dance, even though the air was chilled with the October breeze. 

Dean had spent the day decorating, cleaning, and generally just tidying up the gymnasium for the homecoming dance. He was hoping that Rhonda Hurley might be there, they’d hooked up a few times and she was into some… intriguing things.

Dean was lost, momentarily in a daydream about pink satin panties when Sam broke his concentration. “The blue tie or the red one?” Sam asked, holding up one sapphire tie with light flecks of blue in the pattern and one deep crimson red. The crimson would match Sam’s shirt far better, since it had more of cobalt and crimson pinstripes on a beige color. Dean blurted, before he could stop himself, “Blue.” Suddenly thinking of a boy with dark hair and blue eyes. 

Sam seemed to disagree, and went with the red one, which was the better choice, leaving Dean to his daydreams. First, his mind wandered back to those satin panties. Then they were no longer on him. He thought about an expanse of warm skin under him, velvety smooth until the sweet slope of the silky panties, and blue eyes. Dark hair making more of a contrast between the skin and eyes, and…

Oh.

Dean wasn’t repulsed by the idea of Castiel, writing beneath him, hard in those goddamn panties and nothing else. Dean thought, for a moment, he would very much enjoy that vision. He briefly thought of all the scenarios as outlandish as possible that could land him into a situation like that. Kissing, nipping, sucking. 

Sam once more interrupted his thoughts, “Do you think Dad will be home to watch your game?” Sam asked innocently. Dean shifted uncomfortably, his pants suddenly felt much too tight and he wanted to relive some of the pressure.

“No Sammy,” Dean quipped, “I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing but he doesn’t give two shits about my game.”

Sam made a face. Their father worked as a general contractor, he freelanced for about 5 companies, one of them in New York. He was gone on business for weeks, sometimes months at a time with very little notice as to when he would leave next. He was mildly successful, but most people in his line of work found a company and stuck with them eventually. He had been fired from his last 4 positions so no one really wanted to hire him on full time, but he was good at what he did. If it weren’t for his alcoholism Sam and Dean probably would’ve had it made. 

Sometimes John would surprise them, sober, and take them out fishing for a weekend spouting about how this time things would be different. He would start going back to AA. And for a few weeks, everything would be fine. Then he would fall off the wagon. He never had a “higher power” and couldn’t surrender to it. He just didn’t think that way. And after losing Mary and nearly losing Sam last year, well… They don’t tell you that AA is only around 5% successful…

Dean shook himself off and softened a bit, “Sorry, Sammy.” He smiled, “I don’t need him, though. Not as long as I can hear your whiney little voice all the way from the field.” He smiled and ruffled Sam’s hair, which he had just finished styling.

“Hey!” Sam yelped. Then he observed what Dean was wearing, “Is that seriously what you’re gonna wear, Dean?” 

“Hell yeah, I don’t need to get all dolled up like you do. I have a natural charm that the ladies can’t resist.” He gave Sam a shit-eating grin as Sam rolled his eyes.  
“Whatever.” Sam replied, “Ready to go?”

“Ready when you are.” And with that they set out to the dance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter song is Master Hunter by Laura Marling. If you haven't heard it, go... go listen to it now.


	12. ...I Cured My Skin, Now Nothing Gets In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry I'm so late getting this up. I've been busy with life. A little fluff in this chapter and TW for drug use, just so you know. Thank you all for reading thus far and I think the next few chapters are going to be a little intense. 
> 
> As always, comments and Kudos keep me going! Thanks to everyone has left some this far!
> 
> If you're interested in doing some beta work, HMU! I still don't have one so any mistakes are my own and I normally don't do a lot of editing before I post a chapter. <3

Castiel slipped out of the band room, feeling high and complacent. He had pushed his mask up on to his head so that he could see. He wanted a cigarette, and time tended to get away from him when he took these kinds of drugs. Technically, no student was allowed on the grounds outside during a nighttime event like a dance, but the great thing about being practically invisible in high school meant that he could slip out unnoticed. 

He shivered and pulled his overcoat tightly around himself. The air was brisk and he thought to himself that he would need to take out his winter coat very soon. He had a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, his drugs, and some whiskey on him. He hadn’t even bothered to bring his wallet, just the $8 in cash required to get in to the dance. 

Walking around the grounds, he found a nice spot that was out in the open enough if someone tried to beat him up he could scream and be heard, but secluded enough that you wouldn’t notice it unless you looked for it. He sat on the grass looking around warily for any signs of life at all. He could still hear the thump of the music even from 30 yards away. He put the cigarette to his lips and lit the end, the smooth menthol flavor flooding his senses only heightened by the high. He sighed contently, happily humming as he exhaled. For a few moments, he tried to perfect smoke rings. He found them easier to do when he smoked pot, the thick smoke staying together much better than that of the tobacco. He did achieve a few however, before everything started to slip out of focus. 

————————————

Dean was never much for school dances. He side passed the teachers and students admitting a group of students so that he didn’t have to pay. The money was going to the football team anyway, so he figured it was fine if he didn’t contribute. He didn’t even have $8 on him, he’d given his last $20 for the week to Sam to pay for both his and Maddison’s tickets. 

Dean wore a white Phantom of the Opera style mask. He actually looked very good and he knew it. Then he saw something that made his heart drop. 

Lisa.

On the arm of another guy. 

Dean felt all of the air escape his lungs. He vaguely knew the guy, Matt was his name. He was incredibly good at biology and in the science club. He was a senior and Dean had no doubt that he would become a doctor. Unfortunately for Dean he was also incredibly good looking. 

Lisa was smiling and laughing happily. She looked beautiful. Wearing a just long enough cocktail dress and a glittery, white mask which only served to make her skin look even more sunkissed. Her dark hair was up in a flattering way, with curls hanging from the up-do. It looked elegantly disorganized.

Dean had the urge to punch something, he felt his blood starting to boil and the next freshman that looked at him weird was surely going to get hit. Anger rose to color his cheeks, suddenly it was warm, too warm. She had rejected him. She had told him that the reason that they should break up was because she would be leaving Lawrence and wanted to experiment. But now? On the arm of another guy? That was low. She probably knew Dean would see them. Maybe this was a jealousy thing?

But why would she want to make him jealous? She dumped him.  
All Dean could think was the fact that he needed to get some air. Before he knew where he was, he was on the school grounds, his fists clenched and his jaw set. He punched a tree, not a big one, just a sapling which was really more for decoration than anything else. The pain that burst in his hand was something though. “Fuck.” He cursed and held his now bloodied knuckles tight. 

After a few moments he sighed and calmed down, walking over to the wall of the building. He closed his eyes as he rested against the cool brick. Of course Lisa was over him. She wanted someone smart, someone who could take care of her. Someone who could move across the county and go to a prestigious medical school. Someone who wasn’t destined to stay in Lawrence forever. 

A cool wave of inadequacy washed over Dean. Sure he had his looks, but he was no doctor. He would never amount to being a lawyer like Sam wanted to be. He hated studying and preferred working with his hands. He would become a mechanic. Maybe a mechanical engineer if he could swing the cost of community college and save hard for Sam’s education. He didn’t exactly have a lot going for him.

He opened his eyes, now feeling the cool air on his skin. It was welcome, but it gave him goosebumps all along his arms. He looked around, noticing a figure slumped up against a tree in the courtyard. The figure wasn’t moving, so Dean cautiously moved closer. 

It was a guy, Dean decided, based on the wardrobe choice. He noticed a beautifully intricate mask amongst a tuft of dark hair. Dean got closer to the figure, “Hey, buddy, you okay?” He called to no answer. Dean started moving closer still, “Hey, you by the tree,” He called out. Thats when the guys head shot up. Piercing blue eyes bore into Dean’s like he could see his soul. 

Castiel. 

Castiel looked up at Dean with a curious expression. He wasn’t sure if he had fallen asleep because of the drugs, his concussion, or both. It didn’t really matter. He was riding a nice high and he couldn’t bring himself to care about a silly thing like his health. Dean kneeled in front of him, giving Castiel a once over. “Did someone hurt you, Cas? Do you want me to get someone?” Dean was saying as he began pulling apart Castiel’s overcoat to assess any damage he thought may have been done.

“I’m fine Dean.” Castiel said, and Dean noticed the pinprick pupils Castiel was currently sporting. Dean frowned and spoke more softly.

“Cas, are you high?”

“Generally, yes.” Castiel quipped. It felt like being on the ocean, he could feel the soothing waves lulling him back to close his eyes. He didn’t want to, though. Because Dean was _pretty_. His light green eyes and his long, thick lashes. His freckles peppering the bridge of his nose. He was more than just _pretty_ , he was _beautiful_. 

Dean nodded and sat down next to Castiel, “why don’t we go back inside. Let me get you some water or something, alright?”

“Okay,” Castiel conceded, his mouth was awfully dry now that he had a moment to think about it.

Castiel led Dean back into the band room. He slumped in a chair and suddenly winced as his forearm shot a out a hot pain. He looked down and noticed that he must’ve dropped his cigarette and his shirt was burned through to where his skin was blistering and bleeding. Dean noticed Castiel’s attention to his arm and came over with a cup of water from the bubbler right outside the door.

_Its time to begin, isn’t it? I get a little bit bigger but then I’ll admit, I’m just the same as I was, who don’t you understand, I’m never changing who I am._

“What’d you do, Cas?” He asked, looking at the smaller boy with a pained look. the burn probably looked a lot worse than it was, but it still wasn’t fun either way.  
Castiel didn’t answer. Dean took the opportunity to grab a paper towel from the desk and dip it in some of Castiel’s water. He pressed the water to the wound in an attempt to clean it. Castiel hissed in pain but Dean wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to get infected. Then an odd thought occurred to him. What if Castiel had done this to himself on purpose?

_So this is where you fell, and I am left to sell. The path to heaven runs though miles of clouded hell…_

“Hey, Cas,” Dean started, still holding on to the blue eyed boy’s arm in a firm but comforting grip.

“Yes, Dean.” Castiel looked at him, and he looked as though he was beginning to sober up.

_I don’t ever wanna let you down, I don’t ever want to leave this town…_

“Was I ever… I mean, was what I used to do to you… Did you try to kill yourself because of me? Like, the stuff I was doing to you?” Dean looked away. He already kind of knew the answer. And since Castiel was inebriated, he figured he’d get some sort of answer.

“You were part of it, yes. But you’re not the only one.” He sighed, still feeling the world move. “My family thinks I’m broken, a mistake. I- I suppose that’s fitting. You shouldn’t feel bad about it. I deserve worse for my sins.” He took a sip of water and Dean looked as though he was going to say something, so Castiel cut him off. “I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. If I live my life the way I wish I could, I’ll go to hell. If I don’t, there’s no doubt I’ll end up killing myself, and I’ll go to hell. Either way, my soul is damned.”

“Do you really believe that bullshit, Cas?” Dean asked, frowning.

“I do,” Castiel said sadly. 

“In that case, why don’t you just live how you want. I mean, if that’s the endgame for your soul, might was well live it up, right?”

Castiel nodded, “Might as well bang a few gongs before the lights go out.”

They sat in silence for a while, neither wanting to ruin the pleasant, although tense, silence. Finally, it was Dean who spoke again.

“Is there anything I can do… You know.” He rubbed the back of his neck anxiously. “Anything I could do to try and make it up to you?”

Castiel thought for a moment. Dean was so pretty. He was kind and protective and he had saved Castiel’s life. In Castiel’s eyes, Dean didn’t owe him anything, but a selfish part of him took over. He knew exactly what he wanted.

“Dance with me.” Castiel finally said. “Just in here. No one has to see, I just… I’d like to slow dance with you.”

Dean was a bit hesitant. He stared at Castiel for a moment. The blue eyed boy’s eyes were pleading. “Okay.”

Castiel smiled. “Okay. Next slow song.” 

Luckily, they didn’t have to wait long. The music stated playing, and as awkward as it was, they fit together pretty nicely. Dean’s hands on Castiel’s hips, and Castiel’s arms around Dean’s neck.

_If I don’t say this now, I will surely break. As I’m leaving the one I want to take. Forget the urgency, but hurry up and wait. And my heart has started to separate…_

Dean lead, slowly swaying them back and forth, holding Castiel close to him.

_…Oh Woah, Oh Woah, Be my baby, I’ll look after you…_

It was perfect, Dean’s warm body, held tight against his own. Castiel felt a wave of warm affection wash over him as Dean began to relax into Castiel’s embrace. Dean wasn’t wearing cologne like Castiel was. Castiel could smell the cinnamon scent of his cologne mix with Dean’s musk. It was wonderful. 

The song started to come to a close and Castiel looked to Dean. He was only a few inches shorter, so he tilted his head up slightly to gaze at Dean. Dean had an odd lopsided smile. 

Castiel couldn’t say what came over him. Maybe it was because he was still high. Maybe it was because Dean smelled so good. Maybe it was because he was so swept up in the moment.

He pushed up and pressed his lips to Dean’s.


	13. And The Stars Fell Out Of The Sky, And My Tears Rolled Into The Ocean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Graphic Child Abuse, Violence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't been updating quite as frequently, I was on vacation and then participated in GISHWHES, so I haven't had a ton of spare time. Thank you to all who have commented, given Kudos, and who have kept up with this story. There's still much more to come, I promise that much! Anyways, I'll try to get in a better habit of updating as much as I can. Thanks again, you are all wonderful and I appreciate all of the support you have given me so far! <3 
> 
> P.S. I've been posting the songs that inspire me for the chapters at the end of the chapters in the notes. Give the songs a listen, if you can. You get more of the feel of the story if you do. Some chapters read really sad, but the songs that correspond have a more optimistic feel, which is what I want to translate into the story overall. Let me know what you think of the music, too :)

Dean suddenly felt warm lips press against his own. He knew what this shouldn’t be happening, but it wasn’t bad. His eyes slipped closed for a moment and he went on auto-pilot. His hand finding a hip, expecting it to be rounded and soft, but no. The one he found was sharp and angular. 

Oh, right. 

Dean stepped back, effectively ending the kiss. And there was Castiel, all blown pupils and dark hair. He looked Dean over hungrily, and damn if he wasn't a great kisser. Castiel quirked his eyebrow in permission for more, but Dean was in over his head. 

“Uhh, Cas, look…” Dean started. But Castiel just tilted his head to the side. 

“I know you’re not gay, Dean.” Castiel said sadly, “I just thought maybe I could get it out of my system…” Again hungry eyes traced Dean’s lips, to his nose, and up to his bright eyes. Suddenly, Castiel was stepping into Dean’s personal space again. “I know better than to crush on straight guys, but you’ve been so good to me. It’s difficult not to be swept up by your charisma and resplendent soul.”

Dean wasn’t sure he knew what Cas was talking about, but he figured Cas was a weird guy, and he was still so close. “Cas, personal space…” Castiel frowned, but gave a small nod and stepped back. 

“We should go. Thank you for not hitting me when I kissed you. I assure you it won’t happen again.” And with that, Castiel took another swig of whiskey and screwed the cap back on, tucking it soundly in his coat. 

Dean nodded dumbly, and Castiel made his way out of the room. Dean stood there for a few seconds, reveling in the way his lips had felt pressed on Castiel’s soft mouth. How Castiel tasted when he swept his tongue over his own lips. It was nice, it was innocent. Dean didn’t like guys, no. 

Dean liked Castiel.

Dean made his way back into the gym to find that the dance would be wrapping up soon. The DJ called for one last song, and as always, it was a slow song. The lights came up halfway through and Dean saw Sam, dancing with Maddison. She looked _cute_ but Dean didn’t like it. She was too innocent looking, too pure seeming. Like she had never been through a life trial. Like she had never experienced true loss, couldn’t sympathize with the feeling of a hole in your soul after experiencing a great turmoil and losing. 

But then not many teenagers could. Sam and Dean? They’d already seen their share of heartache for a lifetime. And Castiel? Dean knew he had been through worse than even Dean himself had. Dean couldn’t help the word “beautiful” from popping into his mind in regard to Cas. This was bad.

Dean watched as Sam kissed Maddison goodnight when the song finally ended. It was chaste and sweet. No tongue. Not unlike that which Dean had experienced with Cas. Dean frowned at the couple, Sam blushing wildly and Maddison giggling a little. Why couldn’t it be that simple? 

—————————

When Castiel and Anna set off to walk home, Anna was excitedly chattering about Adam and how _amazing_ he was and what a wonderful time she had. Castiel nodded silently, not trusting his voice in his state of intoxication. Everything was moving more slowly, still. His muscles were starting to feel heavy, though. He felt heavy, like gravity had increased just on him. Crashing was always the worst part of taking drugs. Anna on the other hand seemed to be walking on air. 

“You know, I wouldn’t have said anything if you had wanted to dance with a boy.” Anna said suddenly, after a lull in her spouting about Adam.

Castiel looked over to her with a confused look, “What do you mean?” 

Anna gave Castiel a knowing smile, “I just mean that I wouldn’t have told Uncle or our brothers. They don’t need to know. If it makes you less sad, I think you should go for it,” She stopped to put her hands on Castiel’s shoulders and looked him square in the eye, “You deserve to be happy, Castiel. I mean that.”

Castiel looked down at his feet but nodded slowly. “Thank you, Anna. That means a lot.” She wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. The rest of the walk home was spent in amicable silence.

When they finally did arrive home, Castiel was surprised to see Michael and his Uncle sitting in the living room. “Anna,” Zachariah started, “go to your room. Michael and I need to have a word with Castiel.” Anna frowned and shot a worried look at Castiel, who sent back an equally worried expression. Anna did obey, however, and climbed the stairs to her bedroom.

“I got a call from Father Raphael this evening, Castiel,” Zachariah said, the dysphemism in his tone more worrisome than if he were yelling, “He told me you are no longer welcome to worship at St. Mary’s. Not until you repent. I must know, what sin did you confess?” There was an edge to his words now, a commanding growl that made Castiel need to obey. 

Castiel remained silent. “Okay, if you will not answer me, I will punish you. Do you understand?”

Castiel wasn’t sure what came over him, if it were the chemicals of the drugs or just his own sheer stubbornness and desire for freedom, but he nodded. Zachariah had disciplined him with the belt before. 10 lashes was standard. He would take the punishment and go to bed, and pray that he wouldn’t be sent away in the morning. But this time was different. 

“Michael,” Zachariah gestured to the older boy, “Hold him down. Castiel, you will tell me your sin to seek retribution.” 

Michael walked over to Castiel and aggressively peeled Castiel’s shirt off, rolled it up, and commanded Castiel to bite down on it. Castiel did as he was told. He stood, shirtless, hands against the wall, as Zachariah whipped the belt at his belt. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 times. “Tell me your sin and I will stop.” Castiel was now on the verge of tears, each whip stinging worse than the last, but he just wanted to get this over with and go to bed. He shook his head. 6, 7, 8, 9 ,10. “Tell me your sin and this will stop.” Castiel couldn’t help it, tears streamed down his face and he was sure that Zachariah had drawn blood by now. Castiel sobbed but didn’t answer.

He was expecting his Uncle to give up. Let him go to bed and maybe he would have another few weeks to see Meg before he would be sent away. That’s why it took him by surprise when there was another sharp pain across his back. 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. The pain came in quick succession and before Castiel could stop himself he cried out in pain. “Stop!” He yelled. “Please, stop.” He sobbed, biting into his shirt as he thought he may pass out. 

“Tell me your sin, or get another 10.” Zachariah said calmly. Castiel sobbed but shook his head. He couldn’t tell him, he couldn’t…

Then Castiel heard the belt snap again. 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26… “Stop, I’m gay. My sin is that I’m gay. I like other boys. Please, just stop!” Castiel screamed out. There was a few moments pause, and again Castiel thought he was in the clear. And again he was wrong. The next 4 whips were delivered and Castiel cried out with each one. He was definitely bleeding. Sobbing, he collapsed on the floor. So be it if his Uncle was finally the one to kill him. He welcomed it. 

But then, nothing.

Castiel collected himself and stood up. Tears ran down his cheeks and he was _tired_ , he just wanted to go to bed. He wanted to heal. His Uncle had put his belt back on, and Michael was cleaning the blood off the floor. There was a cold distance in Zachariah’s eyes, and Michael wouldn’t look up at him. “You will be sent away tomorrow for reorientation therapy.” Zachariah stated. 

“No.” Castiel said, and why must he be so insouciant?

“Then get out.” Zachariah gestured at the door. 

“What?” Castiel asked, shocked. He expected a fight, but he expected to win. He knew his uncle was super religious, but he couldn’t be that extreme, could he? He had taken Michael, Lucifer, and Castiel in when their mother died. He had raised them along side his own children as brothers and sister. He was the closest thing they had to a father. 

“Get. Out.” Zachariah’s tone was absolute. Castiel made a move to go upstairs, “No, You leave now, and you leave everything behind. Leave your phone. I don’t care where you go or what you do, but you will not poison our family any longer. May god have mercy on your soul.” 

Castiel walked out the from door and onto the street. It was much too far a walk in his non-sober state, so walking to Meg’s was out of the question and he couldn’t call anyone as he had no phone. There was a park not far from his house, so he walked there. There were bleachers by the baseball field and they seemed to be as good a place as any to lay his head and sleep off the drugs. 

In a moment of clarity, Castiel realized how very alone he really was now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title is Black and Gold by Sam Sparrow https://youtu.be/eHuebHTD-lY


	14. Is It Still Okay That I Don't Know How To Be Alone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for not posting sooner. I've had a lot on my plate lately. I moved my baby sis into college, which is still so surreal. Thank you for everyone that has stuck with me thus far and I can promise a little smut in the next few chapters for your troubles :)
> 
> Kudos and Comments keep me going and make my day so please, if you've enjoyed this story so far let me know! 
> 
> Also, please check out the songs I've put in the end notes. You won't regret it. 
> 
> <3

Castiel awoke with his face feeling numb and his sinuses feeling painfully full of fluids. He was outside. Odd. 

Oh, right.  
He laid on the bleacher for a moment, contemplating if it was really worth getting up. No one would miss him. He had no home now, he would never go to college. He would never get away from this town. He would never survive. He decided he should at least go to school. At least it was warm for the day. He knew he would get sick just from the previous night’s cold October air. Besides, perhaps he could stay with Meg, just long enough to find a job and something more permanent. 

He winced in pain as he sat up, positive that the damage was done just enough to be torturously painful, but leaving nothing that would warrant suspicion. His shirt was stuck to his back where he had bled, causing the wounds to re-open as he stretched. 

Still, it wasn’t the worst he had experienced. 

Saturday and Sunday passed by in a blur. Castiel had made it to a youth shelter, feeling numb and a little disoriented. His nose was red and he was positive he was coming down with some sort of cold. Since he had no way of contacting anyone, he was just grateful for the cot he had been provided and since it was the weekend, more volunteers were available at the soup kitchen so it was manageable. The food wasn’t anything great, boxed mashed potatoes, a fruit cup, and some chicken nuggets, but it was the best meal Castiel could have asked for.

He kept to himself most of the weekend, only speaking to volunteers and staff. He was cutting every night. 

By the time Monday rolled around, Castiel had a few ideas of where he could go. Hopefully he wouldn’t need to be back to the shelter.

He gathered himself up and walked to the main road that led to the school. Each step his back cried in agony. He had to stop to catch his breath 3 times. Not just from his aching back, but from the sting of the cool air it traveled down his throat and into his lungs. Every breath stinging and dissatisfying. 

He was still about a mile away from the school, taking his third rest, when a familiar rumble of a motor caught up with him. Looking over, he saw the Impala, all black and shiny and beautiful. But Dean kept driving. 

_Oh, right,_ Castiel thought, _I kissed him the other night and now he hates me._

In the end, it took almost a half hour more to walk a mile to the school, and he arrived in time for third period. He’d rather skip and find Meg anyway. He wandered around, until he found the school’s lost and found. Most of which had been there for over 3 months, so Castiel didn’t feel bad taking a few items. He grabbed a scarf, a sweater (Which was about 3 sizes too big), and a T-shirt that smelled clean. He went into the men’s room to change. 

He made sure that no one else was in the bathroom, then locked the outer door to close off the bathroom itself. He gently peeled off his shirt and assessed the damage done to his otherwise smooth skin. It was ugly, awful, and hideous. Just like he felt. He slipped into the new shirt and looked himself over. His eyes were tired with deep blue and purple bags under them. His usually plump lips looked faded and pale and cracked. It was as if he were looking at himself after he had died. He imagined this is what death looked like on him. He had a greenish pallor to his complexion, probably because he was sick, and his nose was an angry shade of red. 

Awful. 

Since he had nothing but his trench coat, he headed over to the gym and threw the other clothes in his gym locker, he might be able to wash them later, and he was less likely to have them taken as they were in his usual locker which Alistair knew about. He went to go find Meg, figuring she would be either outside or with Lucifer. On his way towards the bleachers, he stopped at the outdoor bubbler. He hadn’t realized how thirsty he was until he started drinking and then couldn’t stop. His stomach made angry noises, probably upset from the post-nasal drip and lack of food. 

Meg was exactly where he had been expecting, beneath the bleachers with Lucifer on her arm and a cigarette in her other hand. They both rushed over when they saw Castiel slowly moving toward them. “Hello, Meg. Lucifer.” Castiel greeted politely. 

“Clarence, what happened to you?” Meg asked with concern in her voice. Castiel just looked at the ground. 

“I was kicked out Friday night. I was hoping I might be able to stay with you for a little while.” He said as he watched Lucifer’s eyes widen and Meg frowned deeply. 

“I’ll see what we can do, Cas, but…” Meg was still frowning a sympathetic look in her eyes, “It’s just that we’re about to be evicted. Lilith hasn’t paid the rent and we could be given notice any day. Having someone else staying with us illegally might just be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.” She said softly, embarrassed that she couldn’t help her friend. 

To Castiel, it felt like a punch to the gut. He looked over to Lucifer helplessly, but he already knew Lucifer couldn’t help him. Social Services were already up his ass since he was practically rooming with an Emancipated Minor. Lucifer told him as much.

“So what am I supposed to do? I’m homeless.” The thought occurred to him all of a sudden. He was homeless. He was alone. All he had was $34 and not a soul to take him in. He felt the tears stinging his eyes. He knew that he could probably persuade Meg into letting him stay with her for a few days. But then what? No. He would figure something else out. 

The rest of the day progressed slowly, Castiel saw Dean a few times in the hallways or in their shared Health class, but otherwise it was like they were ghosts to each other. Castiel had too much to worry about aside from Dean, though. Like the fact that he had almost none of his textbooks or homework assignments. Or that the temperature was progressively dropping as they got closer to winter. Or that by last period, the headache and dripping nose surely meant he was very sick. Nope, no time to think about Dean at all. If only.

After last period, Castiel headed over to the payphone by the gymnasium. No one had used it in probably 5 years since everyone had cell phones, but he picked it up and luckily found a dial tone. He inserted the $1.25 and called the only other person he thought could help him.

 _“Hello,”_ Said a British voice over the receiver.

“Hello, this is Castiel Novak. May I please speak to Balthazar?” He said, trying not to sniffle.  
 _“Ahh, Cassie! I haven’t heard from you in ages! Finally decided to take me up on that offer to take your virginity, have you?”_ Castiel could hear Balthazar’s smile. He smiled to himself weakly. 

“Uh, not exactly,” Castiel started, “Look, things got… Complicated, at home. I was wondering if I might be able to stay with you for a while. Maybe a few weeks until I can find something more permanent.” A small part of him had hoped that Balthazar would tell him that he could stay as long as he needed, that it was no trouble. They did have the money, that was for sure, but Castiel knew better than to ask.

_“I heard. Look, Cassie, I would love to help you but my father still attends that church. He would be ostracized if anyone found out we were helping you…”_

“Right…” Castiel began to say, but was cut off.

_“I can give you this, though. My… friend’s… sister works at a Gas N’ Sip just outside of town. I could put in a good word for you, say that you’re a student at the community college and what not. She’s likely to hire you and maybe even help you find something more stable. I’ll set up a meeting tomorrow at the store, after school hours, of course.”_

“I can not express the gratitude I feel for you right now. Thank you, Balt.”

_“Don’t mention it, and Castiel? Stay safe.”_

With that, they hung up. Castiel had expected as much, and so he waited by the boy’s locker room. He waited as football practice got out late, and all the boys hit the showers. He waited as Dean walked right past him, as if he didn’t see him. He waited as the last boy was picked up or drove off. And then he shut himself in.

He found a stall in the back and used his old t-shirt as a pillow and his trench coat as a blanket. He had dragged a blue mat up and hidden it in the far corner before the practice got out, so he hauled it over to the stall and laid it down to sleep on. It wasn’t comfortable, though it was better than sleeping outside. He was at least safe from the elements and even if they turned the heat off overnight, there was enough residual warmth to keep him mostly comfortable.

He squirmed a bit, trying to find a comfortable way to lay down with his back so cut up. It wasn’t a restful sleep, but it was better than nothing.

————————

Dean returned home from football practice in a sour mood. Had Castiel been waiting to talk to him and just lost his nerve, or was there something else going on entirely? Sam was at the table, doing homework and eating a bowl of tomato soup with noodles. Dean only liked tomato rice soup, and even so, he only liked it when he was sick. 

“Sup, Sammy,” Dean greeted, smiling at the way Sam’s brow furrowed in concentration at his biology homework. 

“Hey, Dean, and don’t call me Sammy.” Sam said prying his eyes away from his homework.

“Never. How was your day?”

“Oh, you know, same old. How about you? Did you see Castiel today?”

“What? Why would I have seen Castiel?”

Sam looked over at Dean, his expression confused at Dean’s reaction. “Well Gabriel told me that he got kicked out Friday night. Said it was really bad too. And since you’re friends and all I thought you might have seen him.”

“We’re not friends,” Dean said quickly, but then regretted that decision. What were they? Dean had pretty much saved his life, but a life that Castiel hadn’t wanted it saved. And then Castiel had kissed him, but that was weird too. The whole situation was messed up.

“Oh, well, Gabriel said that he’s not even allowed to talk to him. His uncle is a piece of work, Dean. I feel bad for the guy.” Sam gave Dean a sad puppy-dog look.

“He’ll be fine, I’m sure.” Dean said dismissively. Though Dean knew better. It wouldn’t take long for Alistair and Azazel to figure out Cas was homeless. Then, who would miss a homeless gay kid?

“Well, I was thinking, maybe we could invite him to stay with us? I mean, you work most nights, and Dad is away so much, I doubt anyone would really notice. But it’s getting cold and Gabriel is really worried about him.” Sam asked, his eyes hopeful. He was never so passionate as when he believed that he could help someone. When he could save someone.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Sammy. He’s into all kinds of things. He’s sick. Besides, he could make a move on one of us. That’s not a chance I’m willing to take.” Dean shrugged, opening the refrigerator and helping himself to a beer he found inside.

“Dean! That’s so rude! Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he’s into every guy he sees. And I doubt he’d be into a jerk who used to beat him to a pulp.” Sam was shouting, and Dean knew that was the wrong thing to say. “I’m gonna ask him if he wants to stay with us, if you won’t. God, Dean, you’re such an ass sometimes.”

“Fine. Whatever. I don’t care. Invite him to stay with us. Just make sure he doesn’t mess with my stuff.” Dean knew it was weak, a cheap shot, and Sam sent his best bitch face in his direction. 

“Why don’t you invite him. You two are kinda friendly, right?”

“Yeah. Fine. But he’s probably not going to want to stay with our sorry asses. We barely make ends meet as it is now. He might be better off somewhere else.” 

Sam frowned, considering, “No. He wouldn’t be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from this song https://youtu.be/hqf7DxBAuSw


	15. Prayer In C

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (TW: Hurt/Comfort and mentions of child abuse)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOOOH! LOOK AT ME! POSTING 2 CHAPTERS IN 1 DAY!!! WHATTT!!!!
> 
> Anyways, things are gonna start happening a little faster now between the two love birds. 
> 
> Please comment and/or leave kudos. It makes my day and I live for that ish.  
> Thanks for reading!!! <3
> 
> P.S. Please check out the songs I use for the titles and tell me what you think. I really think the music gives a different feel to the story than reading without it.

Castiel was somewhat surprised that he managed to make it through another day at school. His head throbbed, he went through his math teacher’s entire box of tissues, and had gone to the nurse for medication twice. However, he had mostly gone unnoticed. No one even bothered to realize that he was wearing the exact same clothing as he was the day before. After school he showered in the boys shower room by the gym and felt a little bit better. The hot water easing his tired muscles and cleansing all of his impurities. He felt like he could breathe a little easier because of the steam, too.

The Gas N Sip was about a half hour away from the school on foot, which was doable. Castiel smiled as he went over to the register where a woman probably in her late teens/ early twenties smiled at him. “Are you Steve?” She asked. Castiel wasn’t sure what she meant, so he went with what he knew.

“Balthazar sent me.” He nodded, feeling a little sad using Balthazar’s name. 

“Good to meet you, I’m Nora. So I can start you off at $7.75 an hour, part time, but there’s room for pay increase after 90 days if you show up and do what you’re told. Balt says you attend the community college during the days so it’s cool if you only can work from 5 to Midnight on weekdays, as long as you can do closing duties efficiently.” She smiled. 

“That sounds great. Thank you, Nora.” Castiel smiled, accepting the blue vest she handed to him. 

“Awesome, can you start today?” She asked, he knew the sooner he could get paid, the better. 

“Sure.”

“Welcome aboard, then.”

Nora showed Castiel all of the ropes, and assured him that she would be there for the rest of the week to help him with closing duties. She gave him a key to the store and explained the alarm system. They counted the cigarettes, a job Castiel found tedious but one he was expected to do before close, refilled coffee pots, and cleaned the bathrooms. It went pretty well. 

Nora also showed Castiel how to prepare nachos and hot dogs, how to merchandise the coolers, and how to work the register. He was confused at why she would put so much trust in someone she just met, to which she replied, “I don’t know. You seem like a new soul. Honest and innocent. I can’t really put my finger on it. But I trust you.” 

Castiel had never once felt anything other than friendship for a woman. He was positive he was gay, but he still found himself trying to impress Nora, to make her like him. Not in a sexual way, but a companionship kind of feeling. Something similar but more innocent to what he and Meg had. He might not even be completely opposed to kissing her. Just to know that he tried it once.

When midnight rolled around Castiel realized he had been working since 3. He was already looking forward to this first paycheck. Nora and Castiel bid their goodnights, and Castiel set off behind the building until he was sure Nora left. Once she was gone, he unlocked the door with his new key and disabled the alarm system. He had purchased a car blanket on his break as well as some toothpaste, a toothbrush, some deodorant, and a comb. Nora had agreed to just deduct it from his pay for the day. He went into the office in the back and laid the car blanket down, then hurried to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth. 

He settled to sleep at least feeling safe and warm, just happy to be out of the cold. Nora would be in to open the store at 5, so Castiel knew he needed to be out of there by 4:30. He set an alarm on a stopwatch timer that was still in the package and slowly drifted to sleep. 

It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

————————

The next day Castiel arrived at school early, far earlier than most of the staff and students. Classes didn’t start until 7:20, and it was only 5:15. Luckily, there were students working on different projects and things so the doors were open. Otherwise Castiel probably would’ve become even more ill than he was already. 

He headed to the library, he knew that some of the underclassmen liked to work on projects there. Where as upperclassmen seemed to prefer the art rooms. He didn’t expect to be bothered. 

Unfortunately, no such luck came his way. He noticed Sam first, sitting in a group of his friends all working on a project. English, Castiel determined. Then, slumped in a chair with his eyes closed, Dean. His lips were parted just slightly. Chest rising and falling softly. There was a single ray of sunlight up from the sunrise through the window highlighting the freckles on his nose. He looked beautiful.

Castiel grabbed a book from the shelf and tried to read, tried not to stare at Dean Winchester. He knew he wouldn’t be able to concentrate, this was only affirmed when he stared at the same paragraph for Lord knows how long without making out a single word. 

Dean, who probably instinctively knew that someone was watching him, slowly opened his eyes and looked boredly around the room. When his eyes landed on Castiel, he froze. They held their gaze for far too long to be considered normal, and Dean eventually had to look away. Sadly for Dean, Sam had watched the whole exchange and stood up to approach Castiel.

“Hey, Cas.” The small boy said, smiling a sympathetic smile that reminded Cas of a puppy. "How've you been?”

“Fine.” Castiel said evenly.   
“Well, look, Gabe told me some stuff went down the other night and I hope you know that not everyone feels that way. You're a really good person. It doesn't matter who you like.” Sam said with a shrug. It was cute. Sam was cute. He was really a very nice kid.

“Well, thank you for your concern.” Castiel said still with no emotion or inflection. 

“Right, well, look, Dean had something he wants to ask you.” Sam said loud enough to give Dean the cue to walk over and approach Cas. Dean rolled his eyes at first but huffed and pulled himself up, looking tired but nervous at the same time. 

“Hey, Cas.” Dean said, tiredly.

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel said carefully. 

“So let’s cut to the chase, okay? Sam heard you got kicked out and we got an extra bedroom if you want it. It’s not much and I figure you’ve probably got somewhere to stay already but I figured I’d offer.” Dean shifted awkwardly. He didn’t sound like he really wanted Castiel to stay with them, and it made Cas a bit angry that he would just _assume_ he would agree to any charity given to him.

But what was the saying? Beggars cant be choosers.

“I’m not staying anywhere.” Castiel said after a long pause.

“What?” Dean asked, not quite understanding.

“Friday night I slept on a park bench, the weekend I spent in the shelter. Monday night I spent the night in the boy’s locker room and last night I slept in the office at my new job. I haven’t been staying anywhere.” Castiel said matter-of-factly. 

“We’ve got an extra bed.” Dean whispered, he sounded sincere. Like he did truly want Cas. 

“I would very much like that.” Castiel said. Unfortunately, Castiel’s stomach decided to make itself known in the quiet library. Castiel immediately turned red, embarrassed. 

“When was the last time you ate, Cas?” Dean asked, concern suddenly filling his eyes. 

“At the shelter, Sunday. I was too busy working to really think of it last night. I am a bit light headed.” Castiel said, suddenly feeling very heavy. A symptom of low blood sugar, for sure. 

“Okay, how about this, do you have to work tonight?” Dean asked, frowning.

“No. Nora gave me tonight off since she has enough people. I have to work tomorrow though.” Castiel said, confused. 

“Okay, then you and I are going home. You’re sick, your eyes are glassy and you look clammy and you probably have a fever. If we tried to feed you here, you might end up throwing up. C’mon.”

Castiel nodded, not wanting to argue. Or perhaps he just felt too weak to argue. He sniffled his nose, noticing how his chest and back ached as he did so. Dean was right, he was probably feverish. That and he was certainly dehydrated and hadn’t eaten anything. It was not a good combination. 

Dean went over to Sam and Castiel could see him explaining the situation. Sam nodded at Cas and gave a small smile, then Dean was taking his hand and pulling him to the big black car in the parking lot. 

————————  
Dean’s house was larger than Cas had expected it to be, by the time they got there, Castiel’s head was spinning, and Dean was thrusting sweatpants at him, telling him to put them on. 

Castiel did as he was told, leaving his shirt off. He wasn't sure if he felt too warm or too cold. Either way, he didn’t want the extra bulk of a shirt. Dean showed him to Dean’s own room. At first Cas was confused. 

“I need to put some sheets on the guest bed and stuff. You can lay here for now. I’m gonna make you some soup and get you some medicine, okay?” Dean asked. 

Castiel nodded, but didn’t miss Dean’s eyes trailing his body. His chest, his shoulders, his arms, his back… 

Dean looked sadly at Castiel’s back. “What happened?” He asked.

“They tried to beat the sin out of me.” Castiel whispered, settling onto Dean’s bed like a cat on a heated blanket. Immediately melting into the soft warmth of the mattress. 

“I’m so sorry, Cas.”

It wasn’t long before Dean returned with some medication and a glass of orange juice for Castiel. Cas drank the whole thing in a few gulps. “Okay,” Dean said, “Hopefully that will get the fever to go down now. We gotta get that under control. This can’t be good for your injury.”

But by the time Dean was finished speaking, Castiel was asleep, making little pained whimpers in his sleep. 

 

Dean headed down stairs, starting the stove to make tomato rice soup. He only knew how to make it from a can, but he loved it. He could remember when his mom used to make it for him when he was sick. How she would sing “Hey Jude” to him as a lullaby. He swallowed the emotions down and focused on the soup. 

Once the soup was ready, Dean grabbed a cookie sheet to use as a makeshift tray to bring Cas some soup. He poured his own bowl too, and headed back upstairs. Dean could hear distressed noises coming from his room, and when he pushed the door open, he could hear one name in particular: Samandriel. 

Cas was practically yelling the name in his sleep. Dean came over and slowly shook Castiel out of his slumber. He woke with a start, looking scared and vulnerable and alone. Dean scooped the top half of Castiel into his arms and sat on the bed with him, holding on tightly. 

“You okay?” Dean asked softly. 

“No,” Castiel said sadly. His voice cracking. 

“Would you feel better if I told you I made soup?”

Castiel smiled a little at that. “Thank you Dean. It does a bit.”

Dean grabbed the bowls of soup and gave Castiel a pillow to rest his on. Castiel ate the soup slowly, and carefully. They sat together in silence for what felt like a long time to Dean.

“Who’s Samandriel?” Dean finally asked when the question was too much for him to handle anymore. He was sitting close up against Cas and could feel his skin become cooler. A good sign his fever was being reduced. 

“Samandriel was my brother.” Castiel said miserably. 

“Oh,” Dean said, deciding not to push for further information. This was clearly hard for Castiel.

“It’s my fault he’s dead.” Castiel practically whispered and Dean stared at him with a confused expression.

Castiel sighed, “It was memorial day weekend. Samandriel and I were up early, my parents had gone a little wild the night before at a cookout down the street, so neither were up.” Castiel said, twirling the soup around with his spoon. “It was just me, Michael, Lucifer, and Samadriel. Samandriel and I decided it would be good to go down the street to get some candy at the store. We asked my parents and they said sure.”

Castiel put his bowl down, Dean could see he was shaking so he put his down too and scooted closer to Cas. “I should have been holding his hand tighter. I shouldn’t have let him be on that side…” Castiel had tears streaming down his face now. “A drunk driver hit him, just missing me. It should’ve been me. He was only 4 years old. He didn’t deserve to die. He was my only baby brother…” Castiel sobbed. 

It took a few minutes for Cas to calm down again. When he did, he took another deep breath, and leaned into Dean for support, who only tightened his grip on Cas. “I was 7. After that, not too long after, my mom killed herself. My dad tried with the three of us for a little while, but then one day he dropped us off at my uncle’s house with our cousins, Anna and Gabriel. We’ve been raised as siblings ever since.”

“Cas…” Dean started, petting Castiel’s hair soothingly. “It’s not your fault.”

“It is. I failed him. It should’ve been me. Maybe my mom would still be around if it had been me. My Dad, too. Maybe if they hadn’t lost their wonderful baby boy, I was always quiet, soft-spoken. Samandriel had personality. He was kind, and funny, and sweet. I was a cold child. I wouldn’t have been mourned as much.” 

“Don’t say that, Cas. You’re great.” Dean continued to stroke the other boy’s hair soothingly. 

“I’m a fuck up. I’m gay, I’m homeless. I’m hopeless. I just wish it had been me. I wish it so much.” Castiel cried for a while after that, but Dean would just tighten his hold on Castiel. Eventually, they fell asleep, wrapped in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from this song https://youtu.be/IcoqJCJlHbQ


End file.
